Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Superhero Smackdown Tournament: Intellect Round 1

Hey Everyone--sorry it took so long to continue the bracket but had some crazy stuff going on at work and went on vacation with the Fam. So no more excuses here is the rest of the first round of Superhero Smackdown!!


(You can click on the bracket to make it bigger.)

Moving on now to the third bracket: Intellect

1. Iron Man Vs. 16. Batman & Robin

Tony Stark's (Robert Downey Jr.) brilliant mind versus the Dynamic Duo (George Clooney & Chris O'Donnell) and their sidekick Batgirl (Alicia Silverstone). Tony decides that he needs a new addition to Stark Industries and begins the buy out of Wayne Enterprises. Now if he had tried this during the first Batman or later with Batman Begins it would have been a little too pricey. He plans it just right when the stock is so low it's almost through the floor. So after the buyout he discovers the Batcave and starts to sell off the hokey gadgets. Batman and Robin stand in costume in utter shock as this true Billionare Playboy takes charge. "So I like the space, but, yeah, this car is--you don't really drive that do you? I mean it looks like a friggin clown car or something...I mean it's all nice and dark but the fin looks ridiculous. Tell you what--I'll build you a new one." He notices the batnipples on the suits. "Now that's just embarrasing. What are we gladiators in Rome or something, Bruce? I gotta tell you I was told you were the Dark Knight but--you know you aren't gonna be striking fear in men's hearts with outfits like that pal, maybe striking something else if you know what I mean." That's when Mr. Freeze (Arnold Swartzenegger) crashes the party. Tony does a quick change into Iron Man. Mr. Freeze has a goofy smile on his face as he says something stupid like, "I will be da' Coola' King of Gotham City, and you will not stop me Batman." Stark just shrugs his shoulders and uses his ion blasts to blow Mr. Freeze to kingdom come. Stark says, "Was he wearing Bunny Slippers?" Tony winks at Batgirl, drapes an arm around her and says, "You on the other hand can keep your suit--it's great, sexy, kind of kinky but sexy and I like that." Batman and Robin still look befuddled.

Winner: Iron Man

8. The Hulk (2003) Vs. 9. Spider-Man 3

The Green Goliath's first film versus the Emo wallcrawler's third. Both of these films were on opposite sides of the critics list. Hulk was actually lauded by many critics but rejected by the box office and some comic buffs. Spidey 3 on the other hand kicked ass at the box office making 151 million it's opening weekend but was gored to death by critics and comics fans. After defeating the Absorbing Father, Hulk (Eric Bana) dusts off his purple pants and flexes his muscles as black clad Spidey (Tobey Macguire) hops into the ring. Hulk picks up a tank and tosses it at the web-spinner but with Spidey's power and the addition of his alien symbiote suit he easily webs it up and tosses it back to the green goliath as it explodes against his green skin. Unfortunately the explosion causes Hulk to get madder and apparently get bigger. Hulk stalks up to Spidey leans down to look at him and exhorts a roar that is so powerful it causes Spidey to rip off his mask revealing his emo haircut and forcing him to moonwalk his way out of the ring in fear. Venom hits Spidey with a ringside Chair leaping into the ring from out of nowhere. Hulk just grins as he grabs Venom by his tongue ripping it out revealing Eddie Brock's (Topher Grace) head for a moment allowing the Hulk to snap his neck like a twig. Sandman (Thomas Hayden Church) and Harry Osborn (James Franco), in goblin gear, try to flank the mighty green one. The Hulk slaps his hands together creating a soundwave bursting Osborn's head into tiny fragments and causing Sandman's ability to re-form almost impossible. "Hulk Smash Bug!"

Winner: The Hulk

5. Mask of Zorro (1998) Vs. 12. Batman Forever

It is well known by Batman fans that Zorro was a hero to the young Bruce Wayne. I have also seen many origin stories of the Bat that have placed the fated Wayne family in front of a theatre playing a Zorro film. I really enjoyed Zorro (Antonio Banderas) and it's excellent cast. Batman however was starting to wane by the third film and of course those damn batnipples, an idiotic Riddler and that really goofy Two-Face make for a wholly silly film. With Zorro's fancy footwork and his girlfriend Elena's (Catherine Zeta-Jones) strapping bod and fencing moves, they make an interesting matchup against the Caped Crusader (Val Kilmer) and his ill-mannered side-kick Robin (Chris O'Donnell). Robin elicits a Holy Swash---before he can finish Elena jabs her sword through his mouth to the back of his head. Zorro does a fancy little flip as he throws a dagger into the one clean eye of Harvey Two-Face (Tommy Lee Jones). The Riddler, with his Riddle cane and spandex, jumps from the shadows, "Riddle Me this, Riddle me that --" Zorro stabs the Riddler through the heart, Zorro proclaims, I am going to kick the ass of the big black bat!" He smiles as Batman prepares for battle--Zorro leaps the other way toward the illustrious Batmobile. Batman cries out, "Not the car, Chicks dig the car!" But it is too late Zorro has keyed a giant Z on the side of the Batmobile. Batman hangs his head in shame.

Winner: Mask of Zorro

4. Conan the Barbarian Vs. 13. X-Men: The Last Stand

Conan the Barbarian (Arnold Schwarzenegger) versus the entire X-Men clan. This looks to be a daunting task. There is the out of control Jean Gray with her mental powers that could turn a man into dust with just a thought. Rogue with her succubus touch, Storm the ability to create weather disasters that could level mountains. There is also the Professor and his mental ability. The matchup between Conan and Wolverine could be bloody and costly to the Barbarian. Bobby the Iceman could put the deep freeze on Conan's battle plans. There are also newbies like Shadowcat, Beast and Angel that could give the beefcake trouble. This seems impossible yes but this is not the X-Men we once knew, there is an advantage for Conan. Brett Ratner is directing this band of merry mutants and he is not skilled enough to help them through the battle. Conan twirls his sword over his head and slices Logan in half. It'll take at least an hour for him to heal. Long enough for Conan to use his machismo charm on the ladies causing them to turn on Ratner and the rest of the X-Men, oops. Too bad they killed Cyclops in the beginning of the film perhaps he could have convinced the ladies not to turn, oh well. By the time Logan has reformed his buddies are all dead and the ladies of the X-Men have packed off to his homeland in Cimmeria. Sorry, Bub.

Winner: Conan

6. Hellboy Vs. 11. 30 Days of Night

BPRD's greatest Paranormal investigator versus some crazy bloodsucking Vampires. The comic for 30 Days of Night is a terrifying story about vampires let loose to feed night and day with no letup. The film had mixed reviews as did Hellboy, but even though the first film was so-so at the box office the cult following of Hellboy was so strong that they were able to bring Del Torro back for a second film coming out later this year. Hellboy (Ron Perlman) gets a little help from his pyro girlfriend Liz Sherman (Selma Blair) to face off against Marlowe (Danny Huston) and his vampire horde. Hellboy wastes no time as he smacks Marlowe with the "Right Hand of Doom". Marlowe smiles and wipes the blood from his face revealing his awful scissor fangs. Meanwhile Liz is lighting up the Vampires with her firepower, burning them to ashes. Marlowe slashes and bites into Hellboy causing major gashes, luckily for him he heals quickly and he is after a all, a demon. Hellboy grins at Marlowe as he spits blood and pulls out the "Samaritan," his trusty pistol and shoves it into Marlowe's face. He says, "Hey pal, Suck on this!" With holy water and melted fragments of the True Cross, Hellboy turns Marlowe's head into a pinata.

Winner: Hellboy

3. 300 Vs. 14. Blade: Trinity

Ahh, the mighty Spartans against Blade and his friends the Nightstalkers. This Blade as with almost every comic series began to fall into silly territory. The Spartans with their buff bodies and mad skillz may be pushed into a corner by Blade (Wesley Snipes) and his cronies but once they make it to the hot gates they unleash hell. King Leonidas (Gerard Butler) and his gang use excellent teamwork, also known as the phalanx, to confuse, befuddle and destroy the Nightstalkers and their funny but not very talented leader Haniball King (Ryan Reynolds). Leonidas refuses to strike Abigail Whistler (Jessica Biel) as she raises her bow to fire at the Spartans. Luckily Queen Gorgo (Lena Headey)came along--she walks up behind Whistler's daughter and guts her like a fish. Leonidas smiles and pulls Blade's fangs out and guts him with his sword. "For Sparta!"

Winner: 300

7. Red Sonja Vs. 10. The Legend of Zorro (2005)

When I was a kid I used to watch Red Sonja on TBS every summer. This is also when Brigitte Nielsen was hot and tough. The sequel for Zorro was not so good--very goofy with the son of Zorro and all of that. So Red thought about bringing her lover Lord Kalidor (Arnold Schwartenegger) to the fight but in the end she thought, why, I don't need the help of a man. Zorro (Antonio Banderas) tries to be cute by saying he'll take it easy on her, but as he raises his sword -- Red Sonja swings -- and bloodies her blade with his brain matter as she slices the masked marauder before he can even make his first move. She grins, "Maybe I should have brought Kalidor, or even Prince Tarn, (Ernie Reyes, Jr.) the battle might have lasted longer."

Winner: Red Sonja

2. Batman (1989) Vs. 15. Judge Dredd

Tim Burton's Batman versus Sylvester Stallone's Judge Dredd. It really is a shame that they couldn't make a good adaptation of Dredd from the comics. Rob Schneider's, Fergie, screams out ,"DRRRRREDDD!!" As the Joker (Jack Nicholson) appears with some flowers. Joker says, "Hello Fergie, It's your Uncle Bingo. Time to pay the check." Fergie screams again, "DRREDD!" The Joker wastes no time, he cackles and sprays Fergie in the face with acid from the pretty flowers melting his face instantly. Dredd arrives aiming his weapon at the Joker who laughs hysterically. "Come on, I was just having some fun!" Dredd yells at him, "I am the Law! Put down your weapon and prepare to be judged." The Joker laughs as Dredd fires but he doesn't realize that the acid based flowers are jammed in the massive barrel. Dredd lies dead on the ground. A batarang clunks the Joker on the head knocking him unconcious. Batman (Michael Keaton) arrives, he shakes his head over Dredd's corpse. "Instead of talking, you should have been shooting."

Winner: Batman

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