Monday, May 26, 2008

Superhero Smackdown Tournament: Strength Round 1

(You can click on the bracket to enlarge)

Let's continue with Superhero Smackdown with the Strength Bracket.

1. Superman: The Movie Vs. 16. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

When the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen came out I had such high hopes for it's success given how great the graphic novels by Alan Moore were. How wrong I was, not only was it one of the single worst comic-film adaptations ever it was also to be Sean Connery's last film before retirement. Superman (Christopher Reeve), after having to chase down and destroy two rockets sent by Lex Luthor to destroy California, is now tasked to best the older generation's superheroes. Supes wastes no time as he swoops down and splits Captain Nemo's (Naseeruddin Shah) sub in half, dumping the angry captain into the drink. He shows Dorian Gray (Stuart Townsend) his portrait shriveling the immortal into dust. He rips out Mina Harker's (Peta Wilson) fangs and hurls the vampire into the sun. Tom Sawyer (Shane West) tries to shoot down the man of steel with Quatermain's rifle. Supes just smiles as he uses his super breath to disarm the boy and in the process the force of the wind rips off Sawyer's steely eyebrows. The Man of Steel punches Dr. Jekyll (Jason Flemyng) causing him to transform into Mr. Hyde. Supes battles the bobbleheaded creature with fury decapitating the head from Mr. Hyde's shoulders. Allan Quatermain tries to escape in his automobile--but you can't escape someone faster than a locomotive. Supes crushes the front of the car. Quatermain, because of extreme old age has a heart attack and dies of shock. Which leaves Invisible Man Rodney Skinner (Tony Curran) who should learn from previous invisible people that you can't hide from X-ray vision. Supes cooks Skinner with his heat vision allowing scientists an interesting look at internal combustion.

Winner: Superman

8. The Fantastic Four Vs. 9. V For Vendetta

This could be an interesting match-up. I actually kind of liked the first Fantastic Four, it was goofy and poorly directed but it wasn't terrible. However V For Vendetta was a very good flick not quite on par with the graphic novel but a great film in it's own right. V (Hugo Weaving) and Evie Hammond (Natalie Portman) arrive at the Subway station with roses and a homemade fertilizer bomb ready to blow up the Baxter Building. I guess they think the Four are government stooges or something. Anyway the bomb goes off taking out Mr. Fantastic, Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd) and Sue Storm (Jessica Alba). V goes on the attack against The Thing, Benjamin Grimm (Michael Chiklis) chipping away at his rocky exterior with his throwing knives. The Thing in all of his anger punches V as he flies through the air smashing him against a neighboring building. The Human Torch (Chris Evans) hurls fireballs at Evie as she barely evades the flame and finds herself cornered. She smiles up at the Human Torch appealing to Johnny's more basic instincts. He drops his guard for a moment which is long enough for her to unleash the fire hydrant extinguishing Johnny's flame. Meanwhile... V battles The Thing to a standstill until Dr. Doom (Julian McMahon) arrives shooting lightning bolts from his fingertips. V, being the ultimate munitions specialist, has prepared for his arrival by tossing a homemade liquid nitrogen bomb destroying Doctor Doom and knocking Ben unconcious. Yes there were a lot of bombs but what do you expect from an self avowed anarchist.

Winner: V For Vendetta

5. X-Men Vs. 12. Superman 4: The Quest For Peace

Ahh, so we finaly get to the first team that can possibly beat the Man of Steel (Christopher Reeve). After being bloody and bruised by the permtastic Nuclear Man (Mark Pillow) on the moon he now has to contend with Professor Xavier (Patrick Stewart) and his team of mutants. Cyclops (James Marsden) goes toe to toe with Supes in the battle of Heat Vision. Cyclops power definitely packs a wallop on Superman but it isn't enough as Supes get's close enough to flick Scott Summers with his pinky finger catapulting him back into a wall. Thankfully Professor X uses his mind powers to stop Scott from being squished to death. Jean Gray (Famke Janssen) uses her mind powers to manipulate the Man of Steel to continue in his Quest for Peace by ridding the world of Nuclear Weapons. He flies off to do his do goody-good service to mankind. Just when they thought they had it all wrapped up Jean discovers the crazy Nuclear Man headed toward her at lightning speed. He couldn't have Lacy (Mariel Hemingway) so now this horny genetic defect of Supes has set his sights on Jean. Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) ain't pleased by this and decides to aire his grievences with this jackoff in tights. They trade blows Wolvie and his adamantium claws versus Nuclear Man and his girlie fingernails. Storm (Halle Berry) whips up a tornado to distract the Nuclear Man as Jean levitates Rogue (Anna Paquin) through the storm to steal Nuc's powers. She touches him and he falls to the ground dead.

Winner: X-Men

4. Dick Tracy (1990) Vs. 13. Men in Black II

This is kind of a strange match-up. Cop and Colorful gangsters versus Cops and Colorful aliens. Dick Tracy had all sorts of problems but it has no equal when it comes to style and the look of the film. So even though the boys of Men in Black have all the best toys they unfortunately do not have the better sequel. Laura Flynn Boyle's anorexic bug baddie sure as hell didn't help. In a rare showing of camaraderie Tracy (Warren Beatty) enlists the help of a couple of goons he's put in the clink: Mumbles (Dustin Hoffman), Flattop (William Forsythe), Big Boy Caprice (Al Pacino) and the Blank (Madonna) to square off against K (Tommy Lee Jones) and J (Will Smith) and their leader Zed (Rip Torn). The Men in Black try to Flashy thing Tracy but his coat is such a bright yellow that it deflects back against them--luckily they were smart enough to wear their RayBans but their flashy things are broken. Big Boy's constant appetite for walnuts have served him well as he hears the crunch of the Worm Guys attempting to sneak up on him from behind. He leaps around shouting Ha! and scaring the living bejesus out of them, they scamper away in fear. Mumbles confuses Zed with an incoherent recitation of Henry the V. Tracy takes advantage uppercutting Zed into the air knocking him unconscious. Flattop cackles as he opens fire on K and J. The Blank joins in with a barrage of her own filling J full of holes. Tracy jacks up his sleeves, only one left. He clamps the cuffs on a dazed and confused K and throws his ass in the slammer. Tracy does not recognize their authority as a top secret government organization. Or at least he's revoking their license after that terrible second film.

Winner: Dick Tracy

6. Blade Vs. 11. The Punisher (2004)

Oh, this one is gonna be bloody. Blade (Wesley Snipes) is not a happy guy and if your not a vampire he really doesn't have time to play games with you. The Punisher (Thomas Jane) thinks that Blade is just a thuggish bad guy and he just wants to fill him full of lead. Now if this were the upcoming Lexi Alexander film Punisher: War Zone I think Frank Castle would probably make it out alive. But as much as I enjoyed the Tom Jane Punisher, I liked Blade much better. Frank gets the upper hand and hits Blade (Wesley Snipes) with a barrage of machine gun fire. Unfortunately for Frank, Blade is partly a Vampire. Blade only hesitates for a moment. He leaps back up pulling his sword, "My Turn," he growls. Blade slices and dices leaving the Punisher a bloody mess on the floor.

Winner: Blade

3. Sin City Vs. 14. Barb Wire

This is interesting two dystopian towns and lots of cleavage to go around. This is Steel Harbor's Barb Wire (Pamela Anderson) versus Basin City's band of misfits: Dwight (Clive Owen), Marv (Mickey Rourke), Gail (Rosario Dawson), Hartigan (Bruce Willis), Miho (Devon Aoki), Kevin (Elijah Wood) and Roark Junior aka. The Yellow Bastard (Nick Stahl). I think in order to make this even remotely fair to Boobs McGee we should just tie Miho's sword fighting hand behind her back and have her fight one on one against the Barbed one. Miho goes even one further and puts a blindfold on. Barb is able to use firearms as she tries to cut Miho down. She zigs and zags out of the way of Barb's fire. Miho does a back flip landing on Barb's shoulders. She squeezes as Barb goes down. Miho decides in an ironic twist of fate to use Barb's giant plastic boobs to suffocate her to death.

Winner: Sin City

7. Time Cop Vs. 10. Flash Gordon (1980)

It is amazing how dated Time Cop is now. The date is 2004 and we are so advanced in our time travel technology that we have cops to monitor it's use. Never the less this Van Damme flick is by far one of his best. This is going to be brutal and dirty because no one, and I mean no one can take a punch and walk it off better than Flash Gordon (Sam Jones). Max Walker (Van Damme) dazzles us with an array of kicks and punches to make anyone dizzy. He bloodies his adversary knocking Flash back to the wall. All of a sudden Queen's awesome score starts to build---Walker continues to pummel the former Quarterback with punishing blow after blow. I mean Flash is pretty cheezy. Will Flash be able to survive the onslaught of Van Damme! The score builds further until Freddie Mercury belts out FLASH OH OH! HE'S THE SAVIOR OF THE UNIVERSE!! Dale Arden (Melody Anderson) cheerleads from the side with a GO Flash! Flash grins and uppercuts the Time Cop. Dale tosses him his silver football and he spikes it onto Walker's head knocking him out instantly. Flash is so excited he leaps into the air -- Freeze Frame!

Winner: Flash Gordon

2. Spider-Man Vs. 15. Steel

Oh, Steel why oh why were you played by Shaquille O'Neil? Shaq is big, Shaq is imposing but in the Superhero world Shaq's metal suit is not going to be able to hold up against the webbed wonder Spider-Man (Tobey Maguire). John Henry Irons (Shaquille O'Neil) attempts to swing his mallet and pummel the wall-crawler. Unfortunately for him Spidey is yawning at the slow pace that he'd rather watch Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst) try to act. He realizes that he won't be able to move forward unless he finishes this soon. John Henry's blow is about halfway to Spidey's face when Spidey just unleashes a barrage of fists banging up his suit. He rips off the helmet and flicks John Henry in the nose knocking him out instantly. Spidey sits on his unconscious frame as he watches Mary Jane struggle her way through Romeo and Juliet.

Winner: Spider-Man


Anonymous said...

Dad, I'm hungry and lying in a pook of my own filth. Why do you spend more time with the superheroes more than with me?


Anonymous said...

I meant "pool" of my own filth.