Thursday, June 19, 2008

Superhero Smackdown Tournament - Round 1 Endurance Bracket

Now for the Final Bracket in our tournament- Endurance. (Click on Bracket to embiggen)

1. Batman Begins Vs. 16. Ghost Rider

The re-imagined Dark Knight versus the Spirit of Vengeance. Batman has got a task in front of him defeating a man who can transform into a demon with a flaming skull. Batman (Christian Bale) isn't worried he takes the tumbler for a spin and decides to run over Johnny Blaze (Nicholas Cage) and his chopper. Johnny gets pissed and transforms into Ghost Rider as his skin melts off Batman has had time to devise a plan. He races up to Johnny's apartment and hides int the shadows. Ghost Rider enters the room to hear the musical stylings of Karen Carpenter. Ghost Rider, prepared for a fight, was not expecting this. He begins to relax, since of course the soothing voice of Karen Carpenter singing Memories causes the Rider to feel a little woozy. He sits on his couch eating his jellybeans from his martini glass. He's in full relaxation now, Batman has discovered his stupid weakness. Batman hits him with the Firehose catching Ghost Rider off guard as his flaming head flashes out and his body tumbles out a window and crashes into the pavement below.

Winner: Batman Begins

8. The Mask Vs. 9. TMNT (1989)

There's a lot of green going on in this matchup. Stanley Ipkiss' Mask (Jim Carrey) versus the 4 lean mean turtle machines. This is going to be a strange fight to say the least. The Mask bounces around like a crack addict and bashes Leonard0, Raphael, Donatello and Michaelangelo on the head with his oversized cartoon mallet. Raphael get's really pissed as he tries to whip the Mask by himself with his sais. Big mistake, The Mask cackles as he turns to putty avoiding the blows as he shoves a stick of dynamite up his shell. It goes BOOM! but of course it's cartoon violence so Raphael is only singed and dazed. Tina (Cameron Diaz) walks into the room distracting the Mask for a moment as he does his wolf howl and bulgy eye thing. It gives Donatello some time to devise a plan. He calls for April O'Neil (Judith Hoag) as she winks at the Mask and he does another eye pop as the two girls April and Tina sit on either side of the Mask on the couch. He closes his eyes and stretches out his lips to kiss her--when Leo uses the lips as leverage to rip the Mask off of Stanley's face. The Turtles surround the now powerless Ipkiss as they proceed to give him an ass whipping.

Winner: TMNT

5. Men in Black Vs. 12. The Punisher (1989)

K and J versus the 1989 Punisher, sorry folks bit of a typo on the bracket. The Punisher (Dolph Lundgren) tries, but fails admirably, to create a classic hard edged film for us starving comic geeks. After wiping out the Yakuza Frank is feeling pretty good about himself as he decides to up the ante by going after a bunch of illegals he believes to be drug runners. Unfortunately for him they are more than just border jumpers they are from another universe and more importantly they aren't there to sell drugs. K (Tommy Lee Jones) and J (Will Smith) of the MIB squad are called in to take care of the lunatic Frank Castle. Frank fires his shotgun at J causing his Raybans to fall off. J responds with a, "Hell Nah!" He gets his footing and fires the noisy cricket gun at the Punisher, he moves but the sheer power of the explosion knocks Frank off his feet. K decides that this young punk needs a lesson in manners as he tosses his weapon. He decides to kick this guy's ass old school. With a flurry of punches and kicks he whips Punny into a stupor just long enough for J to get his glasses back on. K neuralizes Frank with these instructions. "You will wake up feeling refreshed and determined--to never ever make a comic book movie ever again, we can't stop you from destroying He-Man, that's already been done. So, have a coke and a smile and disappear to made for video movies."

Winner: Men in Black

4. Batman: Mask of the Phantasm Vs. 13. The Phantom

Both of these films were box office duds, but Batman Mask of the Phantasm was later hailed as the best animated film of 1993 and considered by many at the time to have had a better plot than both of the Batman films of the 90's. The Phantom however was silly, and well, Billy Zane was a bit miscast having to wear purple spandex. So Bruce Wayne (Kevin Conroy), travels to Bengalla to build some houses for low income families. He discovers Kit Walker (Billy Zane) the 21st Phantom. Batman thinks the purple tights are funny, the Phantom doesn't like to be laughed at. He also thinks Wayne is a greedy SOB trying to build on his homeland. The Phantom fires his pistols at Batman but since this ghost who walks is not a killer he aims to wound and not kill, his first mistake. Batman uses his deep knowledge of martial arts to evade the bullets. He fires a batarang at the Phantom nipping his achiles tendon. Batman has just lost the love of his life Andrea (Dana Delany) so he's not in a very good mood. He makes short work of his opponent. The Phantom realizes he just had his ass handed to him by an animated Batman, he hides his head in shame.

Winner: Batman: Mask of the Phantasm

6. Batman Returns Vs. 11. Batman: The Movie (1966)-

Both of these films were pretty goofy. Cody, I know, has a certain affection for Batman Returns. I always liked the look but the Penguins wearing body armor and weapons was a bit much for me. Although I did enjoy Danny De Vito’s scenery chewing turn as the Penguin. However, I have always cringed at the 60’s Batman show and movie. “Holy Bird Crap Batman, this new Penguin is scary looking!” Robin (Burt Ward) says as his face turns white as a sheet. The Penguin cackles and bites off Robin’s nose. “AHHH, Holy Burning Nose Hairs, Batman!” Penguin spits the nose onto Batman’s costume as Batman cries, “Hold on chum, I have the repellent on my belt.” Unfortunately, instead of Bird repellent he fires the Shark repellent in his face causing the Penguin to squawk. In anger the Penguin pulls out his machine gun umbrella and mows the dynamic duo down. Batman (Michael Keaton), drop kicks the Penguin from out of nowhere. He hovers over the bodies of the dynamic duo. “They were just out of their league.”

Winner: Batman Returns

3. Blade II Vs. 14. Elektra

Guillermo Del Toro’s second Blade film battles against the unnecessary spin-off to Daredevil. Elektra (Jennifer Garner) comes out swinging her sai’s thinking about magic tattoos and the totem animals that spring from them. Unfortunately in her haze of thoughtlessness Blade (Wesley Snipes) garners some help from his vampire buddies Reinhardt (Ron Perlman) and Nyssa (Leonor Varella) who quickly makes mince meat pie out of poor Elektra.

Winner: Blade II

7. TMNT (2007) Vs. 10. The Shadow

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men, only the Shadow knows. This flick was truly the type of film I had hoped from the Phantom—dark but not too serious and above all fun. Although John Lone’s portrayal of a descendent of Genghis Khan was at times a little unbearable. This new animated turtles flick was a whole lot of fun too, although I wish the villain in the story was a bit more interesting. So with the power to cloud men’s minds he finds it difficult to use the same trick on a group of mutated turtles. Led by Leonardo, the turtles use Lamont Cranston’s body like a whipping post. Cranston is bloodied and bruised but the beating he has been given is also a blessing in disguise. It has awakened the dark soul of his alter ego Yin-Ko , the opium dealer. Cranston unleashes an unholy assortment of magic that frankly is too much for the four young turtles to take. They are swept away in the hurricane of death.

Winner: The Shadow

2. X-Men 2 Vs. 15. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

The best sequel to the X-Men versus the worst sequel to Fantastic Four, gee I wonder who is gonna come up on top. The Silver Surfer (voice by Laurence Fishburne and acted by Doug Jones) has decided to help the FF in their battle with the X-Men and he puts up a valiant effort until Cyclops (James Marsden) burns his face off with his optic beams while Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) slices the poor guys Surfboard—the source of his power—into tiny ribbons. Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) uses her mind powers to tell Ben Grimm (Michael Chiklis) to pull Reed Richards (Ioan Guffudd) into silly putty. Pyro (Aaron Stanford) and Johnny Storm (Chris Evans) bore each other and us with a fireball display that hurts no one, until Iceman, Bobby Drake (Shawn Ashmore) acts as flame retardant to Johnny Storm’s blaze. The Invisible Woman (Jessica Alba) tries to hide but Wolvie can smell her a million miles away, as he knocks her out. Magneto (Ian McKellen) tears Doctor Doom (Julian McMahon) into tiny metallic pieces on the ground.

Winner: X-Men 2

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