Monday, June 30, 2008

Superhero Smackdown: Round 2 Agility

Welcome to Round 2 of Superhero Smackdown!!!! It was quite the challenge to build a tournament with 64 hero flicks but the first round is finally over. We had a few surprises and a few blow outs but just like in the NCAA the second round gets just a little bit harder.

(Please click on the bracket to embiggen!!)

Agility Bracket

1. Spider-Man 2 Vs. 8. Constantine

Spidey (Tobey McGuire) got a bit of a rest after the quick win against Catwoman. So he decides to attend some classes, since he's been falling behind. John Constantine, (Keanu Reeves) takes a trip to the Big Apple and finds himself squaring off against the very formidable Doc Ock (Alfred Molina). Doc gets the jump on Constantine as he rips his driver Chas (Shia LeBeouf) out of the driver's seat and tears him in half with his metal arms. John shoots off a blast of Dragon's Breath, unfortunately Doc uses his arms to shield his face from the flame and then takes the weapon from him smashing it on the street. Constantine, weaponless, tries to talk his way out of the situation. Doc sees that Mr. Constantine is not much of an actor and decides not to give him the benefit of the doubt. He tosses him through a window on the 23rd floor of the Daily Bugle. Jameson is pissed screaming about that menance Spider-Man as Constantine dies of blood loss .

Winner: Spider-Man 2

4. Superman Returns Vs. 12. Howard the Duck

Howard the Duck (voice: Chip Zien), his human girlfriend Beverly (Lea Thompson), and his stupid sidekick Phil (Tim Robbins), are partying hard after Howard's big upset victory over the Crow. They start playing the annoying yet catchy theme song "Howard the Duck." Superman (Brandon Routh) happens to be flying by to catch the little ditty. He clutches his ears as the terrible song causes Supes to crash in on the party, accidentally killing Phil, Beverly and her little band. Howard gets pissed and tries to use a little Quack Fu on the Man of Steel. He breaks his beak and his flippers on the stone body. Supes brushes off the debris and uses his heat vision to make a little roast duck. Now he's got an entree for that nice candlelight dinner with Lois.

Winner: Superman Returns

3. The Rocketeer Vs. 6. Darkman

Cliff Secord (Bill Campbell) and Peevy (Alan Arkin) have just finished repairs on the Rocket after their last encounter with Supergirl. All of a sudden Peevy stands up and smiles sucker punches Secord and straps the rocket pack on his back. He rips off his face to reveal the scarred face of Peyton Westlake (Liam Neeson). He shouts out the name of his absent girlfriend Juuulie (Frances McDormand)! He shoots up into the air as he seems to be out of control. Westlake is not quite stable anymore after his accident. Secord takes to the skies in his bi-plane to catch the crazy Doc. He leaps onto Westlake as the two duke it out 10,000 feet in the air. Secord wrenches the rocket pack away as the crazy Doctor Westlake screams "JUUUUUULie!" all the way to a gruesome end.

Winner: The Rocketeer

2. Superman 2 Vs. 7. Dardevil

Superman (Christopher Reeve), General Zod (Terrence Stamp), Ursa (Sarah Douglas) and Non (Jack O'Halloran) duke it out over the city when they spot a man and a woman fighting in a playground. The fighting seems so staged and goofy that it infuriates Zod. He commands his disciples, "Finish Them!" Zod keeps Supes busy while Ursa rips the woman known as Elektra's (Jennifer Garner) sai's from her grip and stabs her through the heart with them. Non grabs Daredevil's (Ben Affleck) staff and accidentally rips the man's arms out. Daredevil screams in pain as Non moves in for the kill. Lucky for Daredevil, Supes has finished off Zod and gets his mitts on Non before he can crush Matt Murdock. Supes throws Non across the globe and rushes Murdock to the hospital. What a guy!

Winner: Superman 2

Thursday, June 26, 2008

The Incredible Hulk

What can one say about a giant green man bounding around in tight pants and no shirt---
HULK SMASH!!! Exactly, I truly enjoyed this smash 'em up romp as Bruce Banner travels from South America back to the states to try and find a cure for his Jekyl and Hyde condition. This film utilizes the same fun and Marvelesque world view as it's predecessor Iron Man. There are references to S.H.I.E.L.D the rockets that are used against the Green Goliath are all from Stark Industries. There is also the cameo of Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) himself adding his voice to the conversation about a superhero team up. The script was written by Marvel regular Zak Penn (X-Men 2, X-3 and Elektra) who is scheduled to write the upcoming Captain America flick and the Avengers movie after that. As you know Ed Norton also took a stab at writing for this story. Although I'm not certain how much of his script is actually in the final product. Director Louis Leterrier (The Transporter) and Norton attempted to tone down the action once again and tell a personal story about a man and his demons. Thankfully Marvel explained to them that they had gone down that road before and what they really wanted was some 'splosions and shit. And that's what we got too.Bruce Banner (Edward Norton) finds himself working in a South American juice factory attempting to use Buddhist calming techniques to control his rage. He is sussed out by his arch nemesis General Thunderbolt Ross (William Hurt) and decides to come back to the states in order to find a cure. He of course runs into his old girlfriend Betty (Liv Tyler) and her new beau Dr. Leonard Sampson (Ty Burrell) . Now for those of you not versed in the comic book, Sampson, became Banner's shrink when Banner had seemingly lost his power. He exposed himself to the gamma radiation by siphoning it off of Banner. Thus granting him superhuman strength and long green hair. But don't get your hopes up cause this doesn't happen, at least not in this film. Anyway Banner tries to get some help from Doctor Sam Sterns (Tim Blake Nelson) in New York who tries to help Banner in his affliction. Banner tries to be calm while in constant danger and there is a very amusing scene where Bruce and Betty are being all romantic and his heart rate explodes almost causing him to Hulk out, of course they are forced to stop. Talk about safe sex. They had some nice homages to the TV show starring Bill Bixby. Even going so far as to steal a few chords from the sad theme at the end of every episode. Ed Norton handles the material well and seems to have fun with it.But the best parts of this flick are the fight scenes between Hulk and his new arch nemesis Emil Blonksky (Tim Roth) a hard core soldier tasked with taking the big green guy down. Blonsky gets to try out the old school super soldier serum, from the days of Captain America, and finds that he wants more. When he becomes the Abomination later in the film we get to see a really great kick ass action sequence that tears New York to shreds. Plus Hulk gets to say the magic words that everyone who watches a Hulk film dies to hear him say--- "HULK SMASH!"
It was a really fun flick and, along with Iron Man, fits in the canon of Marvel films leading up to the most excellent Avengers movie. It's action packed and entertaining and is exactly what the doctor ordered for a great Summer Blockbuster.

Grade: 3 Buckets

Monday, June 23, 2008

Tributes: George Carlin, Stan Winston and Tim Russert

It is remarkable how, in just the last two weeks, these three moguls of their professions have left this earth forever. The Kings of Comedy, Special Effects/makeup and Journalism are all gone. It evokes the age old stigma that bad news always comes in threes.

George Carlin was the master of language, mostly bad language, but that isn't the point. His joke about the 7 dirty words is simple yet revolutionary; Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker and tits. Yeah, I said 'em, so what? Carlin wouldn't have had any it any other way, he challenged the rules of society with his stand-up and for that he should be recognized. His rants on religion and death will be missed and I am sure I'm not the only one who really enjoyed his presence in flicks like Bill and Ted and as an out of touch priest in Dogma.

"I'm getting old. And it's ok, because thanks to our fear of death in this country I won't have to die - I'll pass away. Or I'll expire, like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital they'll call it a terminal episode. The Insurance company will refer to it as "negative patient care outcome." And if it's the result of malpractice they'll say it was a "therapeutic misadventure."- George Carlin, 1937 - 2008

I couldn't believe it when I heard it, Stan Winston is dead. I have marveled at this man's body of work since I was a little kid and only later recognized the man behind the craft when I was in high school studying film for myself. His credits for special effects and makeup include: Pearl Harbor, Constantine, Artificial Intelligence: AI, Edward Scissorhands, Big Fish, The Wiz, Batman Returns, The Thing, All of the Terminator films, Iron Man, All of the Jurassic Park films, Galaxy Quest, Monster Squad, Both Predator films, Amazing Stories (TV) and Aliens. Stan Winston was an old school creator of the same school as Ray Harryhausen, (Clash of the Titans, 7th Voyage of Sinbad and Jason and the Argonauts) but in my belief, he has surpassed Harryhausen in every way. His dinosaurs in Jurassic Park were so real looking, that for a moment, he made it possible for Dinosaurs to roam the earth once more. And most recently when I saw the Iron Man suit for the first time. The one that Stan Winston built to be worn by Robert Downey Jr., it was gorgeous he completely transported me from the comic to the screen in an effortless fashion. He has an incredible body of work and it saddens me to think we will never be able to see what he would have come up with next.

Stan Winston 1946 - 2008

Meet the Press will never ever be the same. Many who know me, know my love of politics and everything that goes with it. I am passionate and I am always hungry for more information about what is going on in my country and in the world. All of this is possible because of a journalism that transcends party, ideology or any kind of bias. It is because of journalists like Tim Russert who work tirelessly to ask the right questions, to be tough but fair and to tell the truth to power that make them invaluable to help discover our future leaders. I always knew when I watched Meet the Press that Tim Russert was prepared and ready to take his guests to task for their political decisions but he would always do it with the greatest respect. He will be greatly missed by this political junky.- Tim Russert 1950 - 2008

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Superhero Smackdown Tournament - Round 1 Endurance Bracket

Now for the Final Bracket in our tournament- Endurance. (Click on Bracket to embiggen)

1. Batman Begins Vs. 16. Ghost Rider

The re-imagined Dark Knight versus the Spirit of Vengeance. Batman has got a task in front of him defeating a man who can transform into a demon with a flaming skull. Batman (Christian Bale) isn't worried he takes the tumbler for a spin and decides to run over Johnny Blaze (Nicholas Cage) and his chopper. Johnny gets pissed and transforms into Ghost Rider as his skin melts off Batman has had time to devise a plan. He races up to Johnny's apartment and hides int the shadows. Ghost Rider enters the room to hear the musical stylings of Karen Carpenter. Ghost Rider, prepared for a fight, was not expecting this. He begins to relax, since of course the soothing voice of Karen Carpenter singing Memories causes the Rider to feel a little woozy. He sits on his couch eating his jellybeans from his martini glass. He's in full relaxation now, Batman has discovered his stupid weakness. Batman hits him with the Firehose catching Ghost Rider off guard as his flaming head flashes out and his body tumbles out a window and crashes into the pavement below.

Winner: Batman Begins

8. The Mask Vs. 9. TMNT (1989)

There's a lot of green going on in this matchup. Stanley Ipkiss' Mask (Jim Carrey) versus the 4 lean mean turtle machines. This is going to be a strange fight to say the least. The Mask bounces around like a crack addict and bashes Leonard0, Raphael, Donatello and Michaelangelo on the head with his oversized cartoon mallet. Raphael get's really pissed as he tries to whip the Mask by himself with his sais. Big mistake, The Mask cackles as he turns to putty avoiding the blows as he shoves a stick of dynamite up his shell. It goes BOOM! but of course it's cartoon violence so Raphael is only singed and dazed. Tina (Cameron Diaz) walks into the room distracting the Mask for a moment as he does his wolf howl and bulgy eye thing. It gives Donatello some time to devise a plan. He calls for April O'Neil (Judith Hoag) as she winks at the Mask and he does another eye pop as the two girls April and Tina sit on either side of the Mask on the couch. He closes his eyes and stretches out his lips to kiss her--when Leo uses the lips as leverage to rip the Mask off of Stanley's face. The Turtles surround the now powerless Ipkiss as they proceed to give him an ass whipping.

Winner: TMNT

5. Men in Black Vs. 12. The Punisher (1989)

K and J versus the 1989 Punisher, sorry folks bit of a typo on the bracket. The Punisher (Dolph Lundgren) tries, but fails admirably, to create a classic hard edged film for us starving comic geeks. After wiping out the Yakuza Frank is feeling pretty good about himself as he decides to up the ante by going after a bunch of illegals he believes to be drug runners. Unfortunately for him they are more than just border jumpers they are from another universe and more importantly they aren't there to sell drugs. K (Tommy Lee Jones) and J (Will Smith) of the MIB squad are called in to take care of the lunatic Frank Castle. Frank fires his shotgun at J causing his Raybans to fall off. J responds with a, "Hell Nah!" He gets his footing and fires the noisy cricket gun at the Punisher, he moves but the sheer power of the explosion knocks Frank off his feet. K decides that this young punk needs a lesson in manners as he tosses his weapon. He decides to kick this guy's ass old school. With a flurry of punches and kicks he whips Punny into a stupor just long enough for J to get his glasses back on. K neuralizes Frank with these instructions. "You will wake up feeling refreshed and determined--to never ever make a comic book movie ever again, we can't stop you from destroying He-Man, that's already been done. So, have a coke and a smile and disappear to made for video movies."

Winner: Men in Black

4. Batman: Mask of the Phantasm Vs. 13. The Phantom

Both of these films were box office duds, but Batman Mask of the Phantasm was later hailed as the best animated film of 1993 and considered by many at the time to have had a better plot than both of the Batman films of the 90's. The Phantom however was silly, and well, Billy Zane was a bit miscast having to wear purple spandex. So Bruce Wayne (Kevin Conroy), travels to Bengalla to build some houses for low income families. He discovers Kit Walker (Billy Zane) the 21st Phantom. Batman thinks the purple tights are funny, the Phantom doesn't like to be laughed at. He also thinks Wayne is a greedy SOB trying to build on his homeland. The Phantom fires his pistols at Batman but since this ghost who walks is not a killer he aims to wound and not kill, his first mistake. Batman uses his deep knowledge of martial arts to evade the bullets. He fires a batarang at the Phantom nipping his achiles tendon. Batman has just lost the love of his life Andrea (Dana Delany) so he's not in a very good mood. He makes short work of his opponent. The Phantom realizes he just had his ass handed to him by an animated Batman, he hides his head in shame.

Winner: Batman: Mask of the Phantasm

6. Batman Returns Vs. 11. Batman: The Movie (1966)-

Both of these films were pretty goofy. Cody, I know, has a certain affection for Batman Returns. I always liked the look but the Penguins wearing body armor and weapons was a bit much for me. Although I did enjoy Danny De Vito’s scenery chewing turn as the Penguin. However, I have always cringed at the 60’s Batman show and movie. “Holy Bird Crap Batman, this new Penguin is scary looking!” Robin (Burt Ward) says as his face turns white as a sheet. The Penguin cackles and bites off Robin’s nose. “AHHH, Holy Burning Nose Hairs, Batman!” Penguin spits the nose onto Batman’s costume as Batman cries, “Hold on chum, I have the repellent on my belt.” Unfortunately, instead of Bird repellent he fires the Shark repellent in his face causing the Penguin to squawk. In anger the Penguin pulls out his machine gun umbrella and mows the dynamic duo down. Batman (Michael Keaton), drop kicks the Penguin from out of nowhere. He hovers over the bodies of the dynamic duo. “They were just out of their league.”

Winner: Batman Returns

3. Blade II Vs. 14. Elektra

Guillermo Del Toro’s second Blade film battles against the unnecessary spin-off to Daredevil. Elektra (Jennifer Garner) comes out swinging her sai’s thinking about magic tattoos and the totem animals that spring from them. Unfortunately in her haze of thoughtlessness Blade (Wesley Snipes) garners some help from his vampire buddies Reinhardt (Ron Perlman) and Nyssa (Leonor Varella) who quickly makes mince meat pie out of poor Elektra.

Winner: Blade II

7. TMNT (2007) Vs. 10. The Shadow

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men, only the Shadow knows. This flick was truly the type of film I had hoped from the Phantom—dark but not too serious and above all fun. Although John Lone’s portrayal of a descendent of Genghis Khan was at times a little unbearable. This new animated turtles flick was a whole lot of fun too, although I wish the villain in the story was a bit more interesting. So with the power to cloud men’s minds he finds it difficult to use the same trick on a group of mutated turtles. Led by Leonardo, the turtles use Lamont Cranston’s body like a whipping post. Cranston is bloodied and bruised but the beating he has been given is also a blessing in disguise. It has awakened the dark soul of his alter ego Yin-Ko , the opium dealer. Cranston unleashes an unholy assortment of magic that frankly is too much for the four young turtles to take. They are swept away in the hurricane of death.

Winner: The Shadow

2. X-Men 2 Vs. 15. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

The best sequel to the X-Men versus the worst sequel to Fantastic Four, gee I wonder who is gonna come up on top. The Silver Surfer (voice by Laurence Fishburne and acted by Doug Jones) has decided to help the FF in their battle with the X-Men and he puts up a valiant effort until Cyclops (James Marsden) burns his face off with his optic beams while Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) slices the poor guys Surfboard—the source of his power—into tiny ribbons. Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) uses her mind powers to tell Ben Grimm (Michael Chiklis) to pull Reed Richards (Ioan Guffudd) into silly putty. Pyro (Aaron Stanford) and Johnny Storm (Chris Evans) bore each other and us with a fireball display that hurts no one, until Iceman, Bobby Drake (Shawn Ashmore) acts as flame retardant to Johnny Storm’s blaze. The Invisible Woman (Jessica Alba) tries to hide but Wolvie can smell her a million miles away, as he knocks her out. Magneto (Ian McKellen) tears Doctor Doom (Julian McMahon) into tiny metallic pieces on the ground.

Winner: X-Men 2

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Superhero Smackdown Tournament: Intellect Round 1

Hey Everyone--sorry it took so long to continue the bracket but had some crazy stuff going on at work and went on vacation with the Fam. So no more excuses here is the rest of the first round of Superhero Smackdown!!


(You can click on the bracket to make it bigger.)

Moving on now to the third bracket: Intellect

1. Iron Man Vs. 16. Batman & Robin

Tony Stark's (Robert Downey Jr.) brilliant mind versus the Dynamic Duo (George Clooney & Chris O'Donnell) and their sidekick Batgirl (Alicia Silverstone). Tony decides that he needs a new addition to Stark Industries and begins the buy out of Wayne Enterprises. Now if he had tried this during the first Batman or later with Batman Begins it would have been a little too pricey. He plans it just right when the stock is so low it's almost through the floor. So after the buyout he discovers the Batcave and starts to sell off the hokey gadgets. Batman and Robin stand in costume in utter shock as this true Billionare Playboy takes charge. "So I like the space, but, yeah, this car is--you don't really drive that do you? I mean it looks like a friggin clown car or something...I mean it's all nice and dark but the fin looks ridiculous. Tell you what--I'll build you a new one." He notices the batnipples on the suits. "Now that's just embarrasing. What are we gladiators in Rome or something, Bruce? I gotta tell you I was told you were the Dark Knight but--you know you aren't gonna be striking fear in men's hearts with outfits like that pal, maybe striking something else if you know what I mean." That's when Mr. Freeze (Arnold Swartzenegger) crashes the party. Tony does a quick change into Iron Man. Mr. Freeze has a goofy smile on his face as he says something stupid like, "I will be da' Coola' King of Gotham City, and you will not stop me Batman." Stark just shrugs his shoulders and uses his ion blasts to blow Mr. Freeze to kingdom come. Stark says, "Was he wearing Bunny Slippers?" Tony winks at Batgirl, drapes an arm around her and says, "You on the other hand can keep your suit--it's great, sexy, kind of kinky but sexy and I like that." Batman and Robin still look befuddled.

Winner: Iron Man

8. The Hulk (2003) Vs. 9. Spider-Man 3

The Green Goliath's first film versus the Emo wallcrawler's third. Both of these films were on opposite sides of the critics list. Hulk was actually lauded by many critics but rejected by the box office and some comic buffs. Spidey 3 on the other hand kicked ass at the box office making 151 million it's opening weekend but was gored to death by critics and comics fans. After defeating the Absorbing Father, Hulk (Eric Bana) dusts off his purple pants and flexes his muscles as black clad Spidey (Tobey Macguire) hops into the ring. Hulk picks up a tank and tosses it at the web-spinner but with Spidey's power and the addition of his alien symbiote suit he easily webs it up and tosses it back to the green goliath as it explodes against his green skin. Unfortunately the explosion causes Hulk to get madder and apparently get bigger. Hulk stalks up to Spidey leans down to look at him and exhorts a roar that is so powerful it causes Spidey to rip off his mask revealing his emo haircut and forcing him to moonwalk his way out of the ring in fear. Venom hits Spidey with a ringside Chair leaping into the ring from out of nowhere. Hulk just grins as he grabs Venom by his tongue ripping it out revealing Eddie Brock's (Topher Grace) head for a moment allowing the Hulk to snap his neck like a twig. Sandman (Thomas Hayden Church) and Harry Osborn (James Franco), in goblin gear, try to flank the mighty green one. The Hulk slaps his hands together creating a soundwave bursting Osborn's head into tiny fragments and causing Sandman's ability to re-form almost impossible. "Hulk Smash Bug!"

Winner: The Hulk

5. Mask of Zorro (1998) Vs. 12. Batman Forever

It is well known by Batman fans that Zorro was a hero to the young Bruce Wayne. I have also seen many origin stories of the Bat that have placed the fated Wayne family in front of a theatre playing a Zorro film. I really enjoyed Zorro (Antonio Banderas) and it's excellent cast. Batman however was starting to wane by the third film and of course those damn batnipples, an idiotic Riddler and that really goofy Two-Face make for a wholly silly film. With Zorro's fancy footwork and his girlfriend Elena's (Catherine Zeta-Jones) strapping bod and fencing moves, they make an interesting matchup against the Caped Crusader (Val Kilmer) and his ill-mannered side-kick Robin (Chris O'Donnell). Robin elicits a Holy Swash---before he can finish Elena jabs her sword through his mouth to the back of his head. Zorro does a fancy little flip as he throws a dagger into the one clean eye of Harvey Two-Face (Tommy Lee Jones). The Riddler, with his Riddle cane and spandex, jumps from the shadows, "Riddle Me this, Riddle me that --" Zorro stabs the Riddler through the heart, Zorro proclaims, I am going to kick the ass of the big black bat!" He smiles as Batman prepares for battle--Zorro leaps the other way toward the illustrious Batmobile. Batman cries out, "Not the car, Chicks dig the car!" But it is too late Zorro has keyed a giant Z on the side of the Batmobile. Batman hangs his head in shame.

Winner: Mask of Zorro

4. Conan the Barbarian Vs. 13. X-Men: The Last Stand

Conan the Barbarian (Arnold Schwarzenegger) versus the entire X-Men clan. This looks to be a daunting task. There is the out of control Jean Gray with her mental powers that could turn a man into dust with just a thought. Rogue with her succubus touch, Storm the ability to create weather disasters that could level mountains. There is also the Professor and his mental ability. The matchup between Conan and Wolverine could be bloody and costly to the Barbarian. Bobby the Iceman could put the deep freeze on Conan's battle plans. There are also newbies like Shadowcat, Beast and Angel that could give the beefcake trouble. This seems impossible yes but this is not the X-Men we once knew, there is an advantage for Conan. Brett Ratner is directing this band of merry mutants and he is not skilled enough to help them through the battle. Conan twirls his sword over his head and slices Logan in half. It'll take at least an hour for him to heal. Long enough for Conan to use his machismo charm on the ladies causing them to turn on Ratner and the rest of the X-Men, oops. Too bad they killed Cyclops in the beginning of the film perhaps he could have convinced the ladies not to turn, oh well. By the time Logan has reformed his buddies are all dead and the ladies of the X-Men have packed off to his homeland in Cimmeria. Sorry, Bub.

Winner: Conan

6. Hellboy Vs. 11. 30 Days of Night

BPRD's greatest Paranormal investigator versus some crazy bloodsucking Vampires. The comic for 30 Days of Night is a terrifying story about vampires let loose to feed night and day with no letup. The film had mixed reviews as did Hellboy, but even though the first film was so-so at the box office the cult following of Hellboy was so strong that they were able to bring Del Torro back for a second film coming out later this year. Hellboy (Ron Perlman) gets a little help from his pyro girlfriend Liz Sherman (Selma Blair) to face off against Marlowe (Danny Huston) and his vampire horde. Hellboy wastes no time as he smacks Marlowe with the "Right Hand of Doom". Marlowe smiles and wipes the blood from his face revealing his awful scissor fangs. Meanwhile Liz is lighting up the Vampires with her firepower, burning them to ashes. Marlowe slashes and bites into Hellboy causing major gashes, luckily for him he heals quickly and he is after a all, a demon. Hellboy grins at Marlowe as he spits blood and pulls out the "Samaritan," his trusty pistol and shoves it into Marlowe's face. He says, "Hey pal, Suck on this!" With holy water and melted fragments of the True Cross, Hellboy turns Marlowe's head into a pinata.

Winner: Hellboy

3. 300 Vs. 14. Blade: Trinity

Ahh, the mighty Spartans against Blade and his friends the Nightstalkers. This Blade as with almost every comic series began to fall into silly territory. The Spartans with their buff bodies and mad skillz may be pushed into a corner by Blade (Wesley Snipes) and his cronies but once they make it to the hot gates they unleash hell. King Leonidas (Gerard Butler) and his gang use excellent teamwork, also known as the phalanx, to confuse, befuddle and destroy the Nightstalkers and their funny but not very talented leader Haniball King (Ryan Reynolds). Leonidas refuses to strike Abigail Whistler (Jessica Biel) as she raises her bow to fire at the Spartans. Luckily Queen Gorgo (Lena Headey)came along--she walks up behind Whistler's daughter and guts her like a fish. Leonidas smiles and pulls Blade's fangs out and guts him with his sword. "For Sparta!"

Winner: 300

7. Red Sonja Vs. 10. The Legend of Zorro (2005)

When I was a kid I used to watch Red Sonja on TBS every summer. This is also when Brigitte Nielsen was hot and tough. The sequel for Zorro was not so good--very goofy with the son of Zorro and all of that. So Red thought about bringing her lover Lord Kalidor (Arnold Schwartenegger) to the fight but in the end she thought, why, I don't need the help of a man. Zorro (Antonio Banderas) tries to be cute by saying he'll take it easy on her, but as he raises his sword -- Red Sonja swings -- and bloodies her blade with his brain matter as she slices the masked marauder before he can even make his first move. She grins, "Maybe I should have brought Kalidor, or even Prince Tarn, (Ernie Reyes, Jr.) the battle might have lasted longer."

Winner: Red Sonja

2. Batman (1989) Vs. 15. Judge Dredd

Tim Burton's Batman versus Sylvester Stallone's Judge Dredd. It really is a shame that they couldn't make a good adaptation of Dredd from the comics. Rob Schneider's, Fergie, screams out ,"DRRRRREDDD!!" As the Joker (Jack Nicholson) appears with some flowers. Joker says, "Hello Fergie, It's your Uncle Bingo. Time to pay the check." Fergie screams again, "DRREDD!" The Joker wastes no time, he cackles and sprays Fergie in the face with acid from the pretty flowers melting his face instantly. Dredd arrives aiming his weapon at the Joker who laughs hysterically. "Come on, I was just having some fun!" Dredd yells at him, "I am the Law! Put down your weapon and prepare to be judged." The Joker laughs as Dredd fires but he doesn't realize that the acid based flowers are jammed in the massive barrel. Dredd lies dead on the ground. A batarang clunks the Joker on the head knocking him unconcious. Batman (Michael Keaton) arrives, he shakes his head over Dredd's corpse. "Instead of talking, you should have been shooting."

Winner: Batman