Sunday, May 25, 2008

Superhero Smackdown Tournament

Who loves Super Heroes on the big screen? It's been a great thrill to see all of my childhood comic heroes being turned into celluloid. Now we here at the Bucket have been taking notice of the volume of Super Hero films coming out between now and December. You've got Iron Man, Hellboy 2: The Golden Army, The Dark Knight, The Incredible Hulk, Wanted, The Punisher: War Zone, The Spirit and you might even be able to add Hancock even though it wasn't a comic book, but it was obviously inspired by one. So we thought this would be a good time to have a Battle Royale between 62 Comic book films, NCAA Tourney style, winner take all!(Just click on the bracket to make it bigger)


So let's start with the first bracket called Agility: This is the first half of the bracket.

1. Spider-Man 2 VS 16. Catwoman

Pitof's Catwoman versus Sam Raimi's first sequel to Spider-Man. It is obvious that this kitty has no claws. As Spidey kicked Doc Oc's ass on the subway car so too would he, as a gentlemen, whip this Catwoman wannabe into a web of shame that she will never ever ever recover from. Let's face it when your arch villain is a cosmetic mogul who resembles Sharon Stone it's kind of hard to take you seriously as a super hero.

Winner: Spider-Man 2

8. Constantine
VS 9. Spawn
This is gonna be a battle for the ages the Hellspawn of Satan vs. the demon hunter John Constantine. The demon hunter has his work cut out for him as bad actor Keanu Reeves tries to talk his way out of having to go toe to toe with Todd McFarlane's dark creation Spawn. Spawn hits first with a nasty right while John Leguizamo's Clown cackles in the background. Burned and bruised John Constantine dusts himself off cracks a smile and hits Spawn with the Dragon's Breath Flame Thrower and finishes him off with a couple of blasts from his Holy Cross Shotgun. Constantine took a major hit but it wasn't enough--Spawn hit him like a PG-13 movie while Constantine bloodied his ass in true Rated R style. As John would say, "When a half-breed breaks the rules, I deport their sorry ass straight back to hell."

Winner: John Constantine

5. The Crow VS. 12. Howard the Duck
This would appear to be a quick and painless drubbing that Brandon Lee's Crow would inflict on George Lucas' very silly Howard the Duck---but not all is as it seems. Yes Howard the Duck is a bad movie but it is one of those that is so bad that it's good. The Crow, while a fun and enjoyable flick it just doesn't hold a candle to the stupid yet hilarious Ducky and his crew of misfits including Leah Thompson, Tim Robbins and Jeffrey Jones. So---Eric Draven returns to life as the Crow and finds he's got a hankering for some roast duck. He hits Howard with everything he's got--Howard wipes the blood from his bill and says, "My Turn birdbrain." The Duck humiliates the undead rocker with a barrage of Quack Fu attacks that frankly embarrases poor Eric so badly that he just has to walk away in shame. (This win is for you Cody and Jeff L.)

Winner: Howard the Duck

4. Superman Returns 13. Mystery Men

Brandon Routh's Superman has quite a task ahead of him. He has to take out not one but 7 superheroes before he can claim victory. The good news is that these goofball screw up heroes can't hold a candle to the man of steel. Mr. Furious(Ben Stiller) screams at Supes as he moves into attack position, but he waits too long. The Man of Steel crushes his ferociously large head with his bare hands. The Shoveler (William H. Macy) hits Supes from behind with his Shovel but the vibrations from the force of the blow shatters Mr. Shovel into a thousand pieces. The Spleen (Paul Reubens) tries to knock out Superman with his deathly and noxious flatulence but old blue boy is just too quick as he uses his super breath to force the deadly fumes back toward the Spleen, The Sphinx (Wes Studi) and the Invisible Boy (Kel Mitchell) killing them instantly. Supes melts the Blue Raja's (Hank Azaria) throwing forks with heat vision and snaps his neck with his thumb and forefinger. Being the Gentleman that he is--Supes gives a wink to the Bowler (Jeneane Garafalo) exploding her magic bowling ball with a heat blast and a wry smile.

Winner: Superman Returns

1 comment:

nomad310 said...

I LOVE this! How are you going to handle Punisher: War Zone though? You have the 2004 Punisher film listed, but that film is rather an evolutionary dead end, neh? Akin to Cro-Magnon? Perhaps you should just change out the name to Punisher: War Zone, and we'll see how that shakes out come 05 December, 2008.