Saturday, December 08, 2007

CASTING CALL: G.I. Joe The Movie - THE JOES by GI Jeff

I'm sure you have heard all of the rumors swirling around, that Di Bonaventura productions and Paramount are working out the kinks to get a live action G.I. Joe movie sometime around 2009. They seem to have a director Stephen Sommers, the same guy who did Mummy, Deep Rising (silly fun) and the really terrible Van Helsing and Scorpion King. At least it's not McG but they could do a lot better. In this case, I actually think Michael Bay would be the best choice. I know what you may be thinking but the guy gets the military, he just does. Not to mention the U.S. Army loves him so much they let him play with their little toys. But I accept that the Bayster will just be doing another Tranformers flick and I just have to be content about that. Anyway, just today I saw a post on Aint it Cool News that Ray Park may have signed on as Snake Eyes. I also heard through the grapevine that the Production has signed Sienna Miller as the Baroness. Pretty crappy casting if you ask me, I think we, Cody and I, could do much better. Which is why Cody and I thought it would be fun to do our own little casting call for the G.I. Joe movie. I'm gonna do the Joes and Cody is taking care of Cobra.

I had to say I was pretty pumped at the notion. This means I get to cast Alpine, Bazooka, Dusty, Mutt and Junkyard, Airbourne, Gung Ho, Spirit and much more. I could go on for days!!! Cody stopped me in my tracks. He said, "Dude, you aren't gonna be casting Mainframe and Bazooka, okay. Nobody knows who they are." I tried to get huffy. He said, "If I see Stalker or Quick Kick or some shit like that I'm gonna kick your ass. Seven, you get seven and that's it and no more!" Well I showed him, I've got eight!! Only 'cause Snake Eyes doesn't talk so I get to add one more to the show. So anyway here is my list of the seven plus 1 G.I. Joes I would cast for a big budget movie extravaganza!! An added note: I think the great master thespian Sam Eliot should make an appearance as either General Hawk or General Flagg. No Joe film would be complete without throwing in that gravely voiced bad ass to the mix. ---Now on to the show!

First Sergeant Conrad S. Hauser -- codename: Duke

A G.I. Joe movie without the brass cajones of the Joes fearless leader would be about as fun and action packed as watching hair grow on a dog's ass. Duke is the complete embodiment of a soldier of G.I. Joe; confident, strong, and he can always crack wise when a billion and one Cobra troops have got him pinned down. So which Hollywood actor can we turn to that can convincingly shove a boot up Cobra's cornhole? There are the old greats like Kurt Russell, Bruce Wilis and even Viggo Mortison they would be awesome but unfortunately we need someone a bit younger. I have also thought about Gerard Butler from 300 and even Thomas Jane but I kept coming back to one person---Kevin McKidd. He's been great on Journeyman as a moral journalist trapped in a Quantum Leapish style paradox. But it's his rough and tough run for two seasons on Rome that defined his abilities as Duke for me. In Rome his Vorenus was a loyal soldier, a fierce warrior and an intense moralist. These are most definitely the qualities a live action Duke should project. On a final note McKidd is also the only actor I can think of that can possibly pull off the signature cry -- Yo, Joe!! -- without looking like a total buffoon.
Master Sergeant Shana M. O'Hara -- codename: Scarlett

She's the hot lady soldier with the kick ass crossbow. She's a southern belle who can whisper sweet nothings in your ear before she puts you in the hurt locker. Hell she even has her own tagline: "Beauty may be skin deep, but lethal is to the bone." She was the first female to join G.I. Joe and is technically a second in command to Duke. In the cartoon Scarlett had a thing for Duke, in the comic she liked Snake Eyes. I see a great love triangle between the three of them. Now who could we find to attract two of the most popular Joes? Jessica Biel would be awesome here and she already knows how to use the Crossbow after Blade III, but we always seem to put her in these roles so I'm going to move on. The same goes for Jennifer Garner, she would be great too but she's already played similar roles. There is Drew Barrymore, who I think wouldn't be a bad choice but I just don't totaly see her as Scarlett. The person that seems to be a perfect fit for me is Amy Adams (Junebug, Talledega Nights and Enchanted) I'm not quite sure how effective she would be in an action role but she definitely has the chops to pull of this beautiful dixie chick. She's smart and sexy and she's a natural red head. Works for me.

Warrant Officer Dashiell R. Faireborn -- codename: Flint

If you've watched the cartoon, especially the first season, you would think that Flint was the leader of the Joes, in fact I think if you add up all of the appearances over the first two years Flint would have a leg up on Duke almost five to one. He was always tough, self assured and ready to kick Cobra ass. Honestly it was tough to really tell Flint and Duke apart except for what they wear. This is where the comic is very helpful to show their very vast differences. In the comic Flint is stubborn and cocky and sometimes his ego is writing checks his body can't cash. He's not always levelheaded and he has a bit of a temper. I like this version of Flint, and for that reason I really think that Nathan Fillion (Serenity, Firefly, Waitress and Slither) would be excellent in the role. He can play cocky and if you've seen him on Buffy or even sometimes on Firefly he can play a loveable jerk too. I see him pairing up well with Michelle Monaghan who I think would be a great Lady Jaye. I also think that he could pull off the beret quite nicely.
Corporal Allison R. Hart-Burnett -- codename: Lady Jaye

When the cartoon first came out there were only two women on the show Scarlett and of course Lady Jaye. They were pretty interchangeable for a while, they just filled the hot chick quotient on the show. Although as time went on I felt that Lady Jaye became more individualized and they really liked to have fun with her relationship with Flint. She was always trying to one up him in the macho department. She was this hot chick with a spear who could pretty much whip your ass. In the comic I found her to be even more entertaining, she seemed to balance Flint out a lot. She was June Carter to Flint's Johnny Cash. She was always straighting out his messes. Now since I have Nathan Fillion as Flint I would be remiss not to suggest Morena Baccarin from Firefly and Serenity to be Lady Jaye. Her Inara had a great love hate thing going with Fillion's Captain Malcolm Reynolds and the chemistry was so good I would love to see that again on the big screen. But I think the best choice would be Michelle Monaghan from M.I. III, The Heartbreak Kid, Gone Baby Gone and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. She's hot, she's tough and funny and I think she matches up well with Nathan Fillion.

Michelle Monaghan & Morena Baccarin

Real name Classified -- codename:
Snake Eyes

I always liked Snake Eyes but I thought that he was very much a secondary character. But he was always very popular with the kids so they always had to elevate his status a bit more. In the cartoon he was just the silent guy who gives hand gestures and on occasion does something cool, but it was the comics that made him the silent bad ass ninja that we all have come to love. Since his vocal chords were severed in battle it makes it tough to find some big Hollywood star to play him. So I think that Paramount's choice of Ray Park is a good one. I think he moves well and can be a total bad ass, the problem-- he sounds like a pussy. He's got a really meek voice not one you would want to associate with a tough Mother Fucker like Snake Eyes. So this becomes genius casting cause you get all the moves without the chatter. Now whether or not he can play a silent Romeo pining for Amy Adam's Scarlett is another matter altogether, but I guess we'll just have to see. I just hope they don't give him top billing he's the muscle for G.I. Joe not the brains like Flint or the heart like Duke, he's just gonna make everyone giddy when he whups up on Storm Shadow.Sergeant Marvin F. Hinton -- codename: Roadblock

Roadblock was always one of my favorites on the cartoon show. It was kind of goofy when he would rhyme all of the time but I thought it was endearing. On the show he was good natured and funny and he loved to cook. In the comic he dumped the rhymes and became an angry overly patriotic ass hole. When he got angry he would say things like "Flush 'em out with burst of fifty 'cal!" which means to force one's enemies out into the open with constant fire from his big ass 50 caliber machine gun and kill all the Mo' Fo's. Personally I think if you got a tough enough guy to push the macho element he could drop a few rhymes here and there just for the kids and still retain his bad assness. This is why we need a true wordsmith to take the reigns and I think the rapper/actor Common would do the trick nicely. He has played in Smokin' Aces and American Gangster and he has definitely got the Bad Attitude to play Roadblock.

Sailor Hector Delgado -- codename:

Shipwreck was always one of my personal favorites. The best episodes of the show ever, No Place Like Springfield pt. 1 and 2, where Shipwreck gets his mind scrambled by Cobra and you have those really creepy synthazoids. Shipwreck is crass, funny and unfortunately sometimes on the show the butt of everyone's jokes. Earlier on the show he's more like a Han Solo type, but later he gets an annoying parrot named Polly and well stupidity ensued. This guy is basically "Badass" Buddusky from the film Last Detail. An awesome flick with Jack Nicholson which actually was inspiration for Shipwreck's character and his signature voice. In the comics Shipwreck was a tough sailor who is a little more of a kick ass sailor man. But I do feel like the show did allow Shipwreck more than some of the others to flesh out his character into a well rounded flawed guy. This is the guy I would like to see in the movie and nobody can play a flawed, crass Han Solo type better than Josh Holloway from Lost. The more I think about it he actually is Shipwreck as a con artist on the show so I think he should be the one and only choice.

Chief Warrant Officer/Chopper Pilot William F. Hardy -- codename:
Wild Bill

So here is my extra one and it is a good one I assure you. Wild Bill is the fun country boy pilot of the Dragonfly. He's a wannabe country singer and he can keep you up telling tall tails till the cows come home. He also is an expert tracker and he's got the colorful banter. "Let's pack it in, fellers. We ain't got a big enough tail to swat all them horseflies!" (Cobra) or "Yee-hoo! Caught'em Catnappin'! Once they get across that bridge, we can tie their tails in a knot!"or here's one when Bill gets really mad at some Cobra bastard pointing a laser gun at him. "This here's a showdown, you scaly varmit!" Personally you need someone who can play a fun loving southern hick who can get away with talking like Yosemite Sam and I think the best person for the job is Steve Zahn (Rescue Dawn, Saving Silverman, Happy, Texas and Out of Sight) He's funny and kinda crazy and I think he'd be a great fit in Wild Bill's ten gallon hat.

1 comment:

muse said...

I'm waiting for the merchandise that will follow. I can't wait to get a set of GI JOE sheets.