CASTING CALL: G.I. Joe The Movie - COBRA! by Cody Dee Williams

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To borrow a line from one of cinema's all-time great villains, "Evil will always triumph, because Good is dumb." - Dark Helmet, Spaceballs.

But besides having the dumbness of Good on their side, bad guys, like ruthless terror organization COBRA from the popular 80's toyline and subsequent cartoon series G.I. Joe: Real American Hero, have a lot more going for them when compared to their Fight-on-the-side-of-Righteousness counterparts - cooler gimmicks, cooler outfits, cooler foreign accents, and cooler names - like Destro. Go on, say it, try it, it's fun! And remember to roll the tongue on the long 'O'. Destro0O!!! For my money one of the most beautiful words in the English language, flat out. We're counting proper nouns, of course. Scrabble rules don't apply in the real world!

So, yes, back to business. They are coming out with a live action feature film of G.I. Joe (finally!!! - thank you Transformers!). And occasionally we here at The Bucket like to pretend that we're important, that our opinions matter, and play casting God. As Jeff said above, I took the main players from COBRA. Had a good time with this one, some fun ideas below. So please, to enjoy:

Cobra Commander:

Peter Sarsgaard: I usually find Mr. Sarsgaard's blase, laid back acting style routinely insipid. However, he does have an asexual, effete quality that I think really works for Cobra Commander, who was always a bit of a fop. Clearly insane, definitely dangerous, but kind of a priss at the same time. Think Joaquin Phoenix's character from Gladiator in a royal blue executioner's mask. Also, Sarsgaard already has a natural reptilian lisp in his normal speaking voice, so no need for any vocal enhancement!

Destro:

Ray Stevenson: Destro, COBRA's chief weapons supplier and Cobra Commander's prima facie number two, is big, bad, and wears a metal mask to cover up a facial disfigurement. Check out Ray Stevenson (HBO's Rome). The man is 6'4"! Dude could kick your ass by just looking at you. Destro is Scottish. Stevenson is Irish. It's been awhile since I've looked at a map of Great Britain, but I say they're close enough!

The Baroness:

Kathleen Robertson or Diane Kruger: Something about the Baroness always did it for me when I was a kid. And this was before I hit puberty. I don't know if it was the glasses, or the German accent, or the raven colored hair, or the killer body underneath that form fitting black outfit. Probably all of the above. She was like a dirty, slutty librarian who could kill you seventeen different ways with only her legs. Robertson (pictured above) looks almost exactly like what I picture the Baroness looking like in real life (and I have). She's beautiful, plus, I think she can act - after an impressive supporting turn in last year's Hollywoodland. Kruger (pictured below), while also gorgeous, is a honest-to-goodness Deutsch Frau, which means no lame fake accent. The Powers-That-Be tried to make her a movie star about four years ago. It didn't work. But with the help of a little black hair dye and an acting coach, no reason she couldn't work for the Baroness. They would both be better choices than the impish Sienna Miller (who has been known to blow away in a strong wind).


Storm Shadow:

Yusuke Iseya: Storm Shadow, COBRA's chief bodyguard and assassin, has always been a fan favorite. He's a bad-ass ninja who isn't all bad. The actor who plays him needs to have mad martial arts skillz (check!), he needs to be Japanese (check!), and most importantly, because Storm Shadow is usually wearing a mask, he needs to have a soulful pair of eyes (check!). Look at those baby blues!. Plus, Yusuke (Japanese film Casshern) is hella popular in Japan, which translates into boffo B.O. (no, not body odor) in the Asian markets!

Major Bludd:

Richard Roxburgh: Roxburgh was practically born to play Major Bludd. For one thing, Roxburgh is Australian, Bludd is Australian. And in addition to being COBRA's primary field commander, Bludd is also a really bad amateur poet. Roxburgh has proven his ability to infuse villainous roles with great comedic moments (e.g. Moulin Rouge - and Van Helsing, although that was less intentional).

Dr. Mindbender:

Christopher Eccleston: Dr. Mindbender, COBRA's chief of science, is a creepy, bald, German guy. Eccleston (BBC's Doctor Who) is a creepy, bald, British guy. And as Meatloaf so aptly put it, two outta three ain't bad!

Zartan:

Tommy Flanagan: Zartan, another fan favorite from the cartoon, is the leader of COBRA mercenary group The Dreadnoks. He's an Australian biker dude whose skin turns blue in sunlight (not exactly sure why?) and he's also a master of disguise. Scottish character actor Tommy Flanagan (Smokin' Aces) looks just like him, plus he's got a bunch of cool, fucked up scars on his face. Bonus!

Tomax & Xamot:

David Anders & David Anders: Originally, I wasn't going to do a pick for Tomax & Xamot, COBRA Crimson Guard co-commanders. Mostly because the idea of one actor playing twins is almost ALWAYS a bad idea (the obvious exception being Jean Claude Van Damme who did it in both Knocked Off and Maximum Risk). But, if there was one other actor on the planet who was capable of pulling it off, I believe David Anders might be that actor. He's such a clever and charismatic actor. Plus he's great at playing British bad guys, as fans of Alias (and more recently Heroes) can attest. And he's not too shabby on the ole peepers. Am I right ladies? I'm married, btw... to a woman.

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Cobra Commander's Day Off: