Casting Call: The Joes Part 2

As promised Cody and I have put together our rag tag bunch of heroes that we hope will someday, make it to the silver screen. Cody will also be featuring his list of new Cobra recruits in a solo post, very soon, but for now let's get to our new 6 for GI Joe 2!

Nicky Lee - Rank: Sergeant (E-5) Codename: Tunnel Rat (by Jeff)

This guy would be an interesting addition to the Joes given that he is not your typical big muscle bound hero that saves the day by charging headlong into a mess of Cobra forces. This is the guy they send in covertly either over the fence or, if Tunnel Rat had his way, under it. His primary job is explosive ordinance disposal, but he's also apparently a combat engineer. This is the guy who activates your plan B when plan A has gone to shit. He's short but don't let his height fool you he's wicked smart and he was trained by the best, the Rangers. Honestly I really don't have that much info about him, I don't really recall reading many of the comics with him involved in the storyline. Although I have extensive knowledge of his character from the G.I. Joe animated feature from the 80's. Tunnel Rat is of Asian descent and seems to have a knack for getting into trouble. He was sort of goofy, almost the class clown, which I think could work in the film but he would obviously need to be someone who can go from humorous to clutch handyman without much hesitation. I've thought about this one for a while and honestly I only have one good candidate, his name, Aaron Yoo. The guy has made the rounds in big movie fare from Disturbia, 21, Nick and Nora and Freddy Krueger. The guy can be genuinely funny without it turning into a caricature. But I do have a wildcard if they were intending to make Tunnel Rat a bit more of a badass guy who slinks through the tunnels and leads the dirty missions that other Joes may wish to avoid. Ian Anthony Dale, in my mind would be that guy. I've been watching the Event on NBC and I really like his secret double agent character. Not sure if the guy can bring the funny, but I would say that if you wanted to elevate Tunnel Rat to a more heroic leading role. Dale would probably be your guy.

Ian Anthony Dale

Aaron Yoo

          

Wayne R. Sneedon - Rank: Command Sergeant Major (E-9) Codename: Beach Head (by Jeff)

For some reason I have always had a deep affinity for this tough as nails drill Sergeant, not always sure why, although I always thought he just looked like a total badass with his green mask and bulging biceps. This is a guy you wouldn't want to cross, seriously, yes I know his mask was bright green but it worked. Beach Head is the guy who whips the Joes into shape, with drills and combat tactics. This guy is extremely smart and a excellent tactician. This is pretty well established on the G.I. Joe cartoon from the 80's. The comics implies that although he is a consummate professional he tends to have some contempt for Protocol. This is a guy who leaps headlong into a mission without much consultation with the higher ups, which apparently has hindered his ability to rise further in the ranks. Now for the film it would be tough for an actor to have to wear that mask the entire film, I mean you already have one Snake Eyes. I assume he would only wear it into battle, but the question is who could play this tough talking tough guy from the mean streets of Auburn, Alabama. If only Steve "Stone Cold" Austin were just a bit younger, he would be the perfect Beach Head. So my next thought would be someone slightly younger but still old enough to be a drill instructor and I came across Kevin Durand. The guy has made a habit out of playing slimy assholes, but there is no denying he's a bad ass. Watch his soldier of fortune on Lost and tell me that guy didn't make you almost wet your pants. But he can play a good guy too as displayed in Robin Hood next to Russell Crowe. I think the guy is deserving of a big screen action role and what better to play a no-nonsense Southerner in G.I. Joe. If you need an example of his Southern twang look no further than 3:10 to Yuma from a few years ago.

Lonzo R. Wilkinson - Rank: Sgt. Major (E-9) Codename: Stalker (by Jeff)

Stalker is technically the first Black G.I. Joe, he makes appearances in the original cartoon but is usually only there, unfortunately, to fill the color quotient. It was in the comics that Stalker was allowed to shine as a leader of the Joes and an effective and lethal member of this elite squad. In the comics he came up through the ranks with his best friend Snake-Eyes and makes it near the top as the second in command to General Hawk and is heavily involved in recruitment and dangerous missions. This high command diminishes once Duke takes over the squad but he is still integral in tough missions and is usually placed in the thick of it with his good buddy Snake-Eyes. Now if I had a time machine Carl Weathers in my mind would be the perfect Stalker but Carl is pushing into his late 60's so that ain't gonna work. Now there are quite a few guys I can think of that could pull off this tough guy from the streets of Detroit who turned from his life of hustling to join the U.S. Army. After doing a thorough search I feel pretty confident that Stalker would be best in the hands of Anthony Mackie. The guy can act and he's comfortable playing soldier from the Hurt Locker to Eagle Eye. He also has street cred playing Tupac Shakur and a tough boxer from Million Dollar Baby. Plus I can see him sporting the beret, not an easy feat for anyone.

Ettienne R. Lafitte - Rank: Gunnery Sgt. USMC (E-7) Codename: Gung-Ho (by Jeff)

Gung Ho, in a sense, is G.I. Joe, this guy just always seemed to me to be the face of the Joes a tough bruiser but kind and heroic. He's been a staple on the show and the comic book since the beginning. Used as the muscle and comic relief on the show ( no one apparently wanted to eat his Gumbo), but in the comic he isn't really given the storylines his character probably deserves. He's usually just part of the Joe squads, peppering the story arc with his humor. He is the first Marine on G.I. Joe and he deserves to play a role in the next G.I. Joe movie in a pivotal way. Now if Steve Austin could speak a cajun accent he also would be a perfect fit for Gung Ho, but again he's too old. Honestly I'm going to take a chance, this guy is a great actor, but I'm not entirely sure he can pull off a southern accent much less a Cajun one. But still he can fit the look, Tom Hardy. He played a great con man in Inception and an even greater bad ass loon in Bronson. But I think he could bring something interesting to Gung Ho. I mean the guy is going to be Bane in the next movie, so someone with some authority, other than me, thinks he can play a muscled bad ass.

Courtney Kreiger - Rank: Specialist (E-4) Codename: Cover Girl (by Cody)
I felt strongly that we should have included Cover Girl in our original G.I. Joe Casting Call two years back, but it had already been decided that Jeff would take the Joes and I would take Cobra. And obviously, Cover Girl did not make Jeff's cut. I can understand why. Of the original three Joe ladies she never had the screen time of a Scarlett or a Lady Jaye who always seemed to be at the forefront, always involved in the most important, most exciting missions. Of course we all know why, don't we? It was because they were shacking up with their superior officers! Cover Girl was always her own woman, never tied down. She was brassy but flirtatious, often trading frisky barbs with Shipwreck or stealing a kiss from Duke (much to Scarlett’s chagrin). She was very much a guys gal, always more a part of the Joes' boys club, than ever really one of the girls.

What always intrigued me most about the character was that she was this absolute knockout who leaves the cosmopolitan world of fashion modeling to join an elite military force and drive a motherfucking tank instead. That is pretty badass. And I really don't care that the 2009 film features a character that, I GUESS, is supposed to be Cover Girl. She was played by real life supermodel Karolina Kurkova, who is super hot and super Czech, but super bad at acting. Like most of the characters in the ‘09 film, "Cover Girl" (w/air quotes) is completely mishandled. However, she's barely in the film and I'm not even sure she's ever referred to by her codename. So I say let's just pretend it never happened (like the movie as a whole). Let's reboot the character properly for the sequel. To do that we need an actress who is hot, very important, but she also needs to be tough, equally important. I think the perfect fit for the new Cover Girl would be Swedish model and actress Mini Anden, best known for playing Carina Miller, spy friend and C.A.T. Squad teammate of Yvonne Strahovski's Sarah Walker on the show CHUCK. Fans of the show can attest to Mini's badassedness. And the look, well... it speaks for itself:

Ronald W. Tadur - Rank: Corporal (E-4) Codename: Dusty (by Jeff) 

When Cody and I discussed the possibility of revisiting the casting call for new Joes for the sequel the first name to come to my mind was Dusty, and it was partly after watching Channing Tatum's performance as Duke in the first film that inspired this thought. I kept thinking he really feels like he (Tatum) deserves to be on the Joe team, but just not as it's leader--I just couldn't see him leading these guys into battle. He certainly has the look of a soldier but he played him kind of naive and green which made me think, hmm, he really would have made a great Dusty. But of course, he can't be Dusty now that he's going to be Duke again, so we have to find someone else.
Now to give you some background on the character. Dusty was another favorite on the TV show he could be extremely naive in who he chooses to trust but the kid had heart and he was always the moral center of the Joes, he was always trying to do the right thing no matter what. Now in the comic book, Dusty gets some new specialties. Not only is he trained in Desert warfare he can speak Arabic and can be used as a tracker and survivalist in the extreme heat. Not to mention the guy can fix your air conditioner and your Fridge when it goes bust. No I'm not kidding you, he's an expert. It would be best to get someone who can pull off the inexperience without being annoying yet also be a skilled fighter and of course has to bring pathos and the moral perspective to the group. I do like Anton Yelchin for the role but he's played in so many pop culture films of this type, I think it may be time to give him a rest, also I'm not fully convinced even after he's played the young Reece from the last Terminator movies that he can someday be a badass, he's just too small. I think after careful consideration I'm going to go from the gut and go with Native Australian Liam Hemsworth for Dusty. He's a big kid, he looks posterboy Military but from the few roles I've seen of him, and they are few, he has an innocence about him that I think would work great for Dusty. Now he's mostly known, at least in this country, for doing Miley Cyrus and that movie of hers, but I think this could be his chance to get out of Miley's drunken shadow and his elder Brother Chris "Thor" Hemsworth by taking on a bad ass role equal to the mighty God of Thunder--Dusty.

GI Joe Casting Call: Part Deux

GI Joe has been in the news recently as Paramount is gearing up to make a sequel to that POS that was released in 2009. I had hoped that after a little time had passed that they would rethink the approach and just reboot again but it seems like they'd rather take the lazy predictable approach and just continue forward with part 2. The first film boasted the worst casting I've seen in quite a long time.Obviously they didn't consult the Bucket and our casting call cause if they had I can guarantee the film would have been much better. Sienna Miller as the Baroness? Please. Marlon Wayans as Ripcord? You have got to be kidding me. The good news is that Stephen "Craptastic" Sommers has been booted from the second one, the bad news is that they hired that guy who directed the Justin Bieber movie. WTF? Director Jon Chu is also known for those Step Up Dance movies. I read an article where he said something like this, "Because of my background in dance and choreography, my love of movement. I can do a lot with an action movie." Right, they do move a lot in dance movies but that doesn't mean you can direct a hard charging military action flick. Although he did say GI Joe needed to be tougher and not kiddie, so he does have that going for him.

So what we are going to do is revisit the mistakes of the first film and what Chu and Paramount should do to at least try and fix the sequel since they are unwilling to start from the top. We are going to add 5 more new Joes to our casting call and 4 new Cobra characters. Cody is going to do a special new casting for one of his favorite Joes, Cover Girl, who was totally botched in the first film. So pay attention this time Paramount, Cody and I know what were talking about we know what makes GI Joe tick so if you truly want a successful and awesome GI Joe movie then you really need to listen to what were saying and make those changes, and hey you've got the best deal we're not gonna charge you a dime. It's a win win for all. (We'll be posting our picks over the next couple days)

 The first film focused mainly on Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) and those God awful accelerator suits.  Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow were pretty cool but not in it enough. The romantic plots between Duke and the Baroness (Sienna Miller) and Ripcord and Scarlett (Rachel Nichols) was just god awful. Never have I seen so many pairs of mismatched people in my entire life. And of course Destro (Christopher Eccleston) and Cobra Commander (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) were just--painful. Especially after Cody put Eccleston down perfectly as Dr. Mindbender. He would have been a great one had they gone that route. He's not menacing enough to be Destro even with the helmet. And we're not even going to discuss General Hawk (Dennis Quaid), it just hurts to think about how horrible he was in the movie. So the question is what can we do to turn this shitfest around. Let's start with what they have done right so far. Getting rid of Sommers is a key step, that guy couldn't direct his way out of a paper bag. Adding the writers of Zombieland could be a good move. I did like that movie and thought it was well written and funny, but I'm not sure if that translates into a solid GI Joe action movie. They also are not asking back any of the original cast except for Duke, Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes. This is certainly an improvement but I hope it doesn't mean that there won't be a Cobra Commander, Destro, Baroness or a well rounded Joe team. I certainly don't trust Paramount with the keys so they are going to have to do quite a bit to convince me they are capable of making a kick ass GI Joe film.

Now in the original Casting Call for GI Joe I chose 8 of my favorites that I thought would be great in the film. Three and a half of those actually made it into the movie: Duke, Scarlett, Snake Eyes and technically Roadblock even though he was called Heavy Duty (Who was really just a Roadblock ripoff on the show anyway). (You can also check out the 8 Cobra's cast by Cody if you click right here.) I still stand by my call that Kevin McKidd would make a great Duke and Amy Adams would have been a really excellent Scarlett, but I doubt you could get her now since her asking price went up after the Oscars. I'm hopeful that they give Shipwreck a try for the next film since he didn't make it in the first one. Josh Holloway is perfect and he seems to need some work so help a guy out and get him for the next movie as Shipwreck. As for Flint and Lady Jaye, it could be overkill especially if you have Duke and Scarlett but I still think they would be great for any ensemble especially if you get Nathan Fillion as Flint and Morena Baccarin as Lady Jaye. They have such great chemistry together from their stint on Firefly that it would be a shame not to let them sizzle up the screen with their sexual tension.

CASTING CALL: G.I. Joe The Movie - THE JOES by GI Jeff

I'm sure you have heard all of the rumors swirling around, that Di Bonaventura productions and Paramount are working out the kinks to get a live action G.I. Joe movie sometime around 2009. They seem to have a director Stephen Sommers, the same guy who did Mummy, Deep Rising (silly fun) and the really terrible Van Helsing and Scorpion King. At least it's not McG but they could do a lot better. In this case, I actually think Michael Bay would be the best choice. I know what you may be thinking but the guy gets the military, he just does. Not to mention the U.S. Army loves him so much they let him play with their little toys. But I accept that the Bayster will just be doing another Tranformers flick and I just have to be content about that. Anyway, just today I saw a post on Aint it Cool News that Ray Park may have signed on as Snake Eyes. I also heard through the grapevine that the Production has signed Sienna Miller as the Baroness. Pretty crappy casting if you ask me, I think we, Cody and I, could do much better. Which is why Cody and I thought it would be fun to do our own little casting call for the G.I. Joe movie. I'm gonna do the Joes and Cody is taking care of Cobra.

I had to say I was pretty pumped at the notion. This means I get to cast Alpine, Bazooka, Dusty, Mutt and Junkyard, Airbourne, Gung Ho, Spirit and much more. I could go on for days!!! Cody stopped me in my tracks. He said, "Dude, you aren't gonna be casting Mainframe and Bazooka, okay. Nobody knows who they are." I tried to get huffy. He said, "If I see Stalker or Quick Kick or some shit like that I'm gonna kick your ass. Seven, you get seven and that's it and no more!" Well I showed him, I've got eight!! Only 'cause Snake Eyes doesn't talk so I get to add one more to the show. So anyway here is my list of the seven plus 1 G.I. Joes I would cast for a big budget movie extravaganza!! An added note: I think the great master thespian Sam Eliot should make an appearance as either General Hawk or General Flagg. No Joe film would be complete without throwing in that gravely voiced bad ass to the mix. ---Now on to the show!

First Sergeant Conrad S. Hauser -- codename: Duke

A G.I. Joe movie without the brass cajones of the Joes fearless leader would be about as fun and action packed as watching hair grow on a dog's ass. Duke is the complete embodiment of a soldier of G.I. Joe; confident, strong, and he can always crack wise when a billion and one Cobra troops have got him pinned down. So which Hollywood actor can we turn to that can convincingly shove a boot up Cobra's cornhole? There are the old greats like Kurt Russell, Bruce Wilis and even Viggo Mortison they would be awesome but unfortunately we need someone a bit younger. I have also thought about Gerard Butler from 300 and even Thomas Jane but I kept coming back to one person---Kevin McKidd. He's been great on Journeyman as a moral journalist trapped in a Quantum Leapish style paradox. But it's his rough and tough run for two seasons on Rome that defined his abilities as Duke for me. In Rome his Vorenus was a loyal soldier, a fierce warrior and an intense moralist. These are most definitely the qualities a live action Duke should project. On a final note McKidd is also the only actor I can think of that can possibly pull off the signature cry -- Yo, Joe!! -- without looking like a total buffoon.
Master Sergeant Shana M. O'Hara -- codename: Scarlett

She's the hot lady soldier with the kick ass crossbow. She's a southern belle who can whisper sweet nothings in your ear before she puts you in the hurt locker. Hell she even has her own tagline: "Beauty may be skin deep, but lethal is to the bone." She was the first female to join G.I. Joe and is technically a second in command to Duke. In the cartoon Scarlett had a thing for Duke, in the comic she liked Snake Eyes. I see a great love triangle between the three of them. Now who could we find to attract two of the most popular Joes? Jessica Biel would be awesome here and she already knows how to use the Crossbow after Blade III, but we always seem to put her in these roles so I'm going to move on. The same goes for Jennifer Garner, she would be great too but she's already played similar roles. There is Drew Barrymore, who I think wouldn't be a bad choice but I just don't totaly see her as Scarlett. The person that seems to be a perfect fit for me is Amy Adams (Junebug, Talledega Nights and Enchanted) I'm not quite sure how effective she would be in an action role but she definitely has the chops to pull of this beautiful dixie chick. She's smart and sexy and she's a natural red head. Works for me.


Warrant Officer Dashiell R. Faireborn -- codename: Flint

If you've watched the cartoon, especially the first season, you would think that Flint was the leader of the Joes, in fact I think if you add up all of the appearances over the first two years Flint would have a leg up on Duke almost five to one. He was always tough, self assured and ready to kick Cobra ass. Honestly it was tough to really tell Flint and Duke apart except for what they wear. This is where the comic is very helpful to show their very vast differences. In the comic Flint is stubborn and cocky and sometimes his ego is writing checks his body can't cash. He's not always levelheaded and he has a bit of a temper. I like this version of Flint, and for that reason I really think that Nathan Fillion (Serenity, Firefly, Waitress and Slither) would be excellent in the role. He can play cocky and if you've seen him on Buffy or even sometimes on Firefly he can play a loveable jerk too. I see him pairing up well with Michelle Monaghan who I think would be a great Lady Jaye. I also think that he could pull off the beret quite nicely.
Corporal Allison R. Hart-Burnett -- codename: Lady Jaye

When the cartoon first came out there were only two women on the show Scarlett and of course Lady Jaye. They were pretty interchangeable for a while, they just filled the hot chick quotient on the show. Although as time went on I felt that Lady Jaye became more individualized and they really liked to have fun with her relationship with Flint. She was always trying to one up him in the macho department. She was this hot chick with a spear who could pretty much whip your ass. In the comic I found her to be even more entertaining, she seemed to balance Flint out a lot. She was June Carter to Flint's Johnny Cash. She was always straighting out his messes. Now since I have Nathan Fillion as Flint I would be remiss not to suggest Morena Baccarin from Firefly and Serenity to be Lady Jaye. Her Inara had a great love hate thing going with Fillion's Captain Malcolm Reynolds and the chemistry was so good I would love to see that again on the big screen. But I think the best choice would be Michelle Monaghan from M.I. III, The Heartbreak Kid, Gone Baby Gone and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. She's hot, she's tough and funny and I think she matches up well with Nathan Fillion.

Michelle Monaghan & Morena Baccarin


































Real name Classified -- codename: Snake Eyes

I always liked Snake Eyes but I thought that he was very much a secondary character. But he was always very popular with the kids so they always had to elevate his status a bit more. In the cartoon he was just the silent guy who gives hand gestures and on occasion does something cool, but it was the comics that made him the silent bad ass ninja that we all have come to love. Since his vocal chords were severed in battle it makes it tough to find some big Hollywood star to play him. So I think that Paramount's choice of Ray Park is a good one. I think he moves well and can be a total bad ass, the problem-- he sounds like a pussy. He's got a really meek voice not one you would want to associate with a tough Mother Fucker like Snake Eyes. So this becomes genius casting cause you get all the moves without the chatter. Now whether or not he can play a silent Romeo pining for Amy Adam's Scarlett is another matter altogether, but I guess we'll just have to see. I just hope they don't give him top billing he's the muscle for G.I. Joe not the brains like Flint or the heart like Duke, he's just gonna make everyone giddy when he whups up on Storm Shadow.Sergeant Marvin F. Hinton -- codename: Roadblock

Roadblock was always one of my favorites on the cartoon show. It was kind of goofy when he would rhyme all of the time but I thought it was endearing. On the show he was good natured and funny and he loved to cook. In the comic he dumped the rhymes and became an angry overly patriotic ass hole. When he got angry he would say things like "Flush 'em out with burst of fifty 'cal!" which means to force one's enemies out into the open with constant fire from his big ass 50 caliber machine gun and kill all the Mo' Fo's. Personally I think if you got a tough enough guy to push the macho element he could drop a few rhymes here and there just for the kids and still retain his bad assness. This is why we need a true wordsmith to take the reigns and I think the rapper/actor Common would do the trick nicely. He has played in Smokin' Aces and American Gangster and he has definitely got the Bad Attitude to play Roadblock.




















Sailor Hector Delgado -- codename: Shipwreck

Shipwreck was always one of my personal favorites. The best episodes of the show ever, No Place Like Springfield pt. 1 and 2, where Shipwreck gets his mind scrambled by Cobra and you have those really creepy synthazoids. Shipwreck is crass, funny and unfortunately sometimes on the show the butt of everyone's jokes. Earlier on the show he's more like a Han Solo type, but later he gets an annoying parrot named Polly and well stupidity ensued. This guy is basically "Badass" Buddusky from the film Last Detail. An awesome flick with Jack Nicholson which actually was inspiration for Shipwreck's character and his signature voice. In the comics Shipwreck was a tough sailor who is a little more of a kick ass sailor man. But I do feel like the show did allow Shipwreck more than some of the others to flesh out his character into a well rounded flawed guy. This is the guy I would like to see in the movie and nobody can play a flawed, crass Han Solo type better than Josh Holloway from Lost. The more I think about it he actually is Shipwreck as a con artist on the show so I think he should be the one and only choice.































Chief Warrant Officer/Chopper Pilot William F. Hardy -- codename: Wild Bill

So here is my extra one and it is a good one I assure you. Wild Bill is the fun country boy pilot of the Dragonfly. He's a wannabe country singer and he can keep you up telling tall tails till the cows come home. He also is an expert tracker and he's got the colorful banter. "Let's pack it in, fellers. We ain't got a big enough tail to swat all them horseflies!" (Cobra) or "Yee-hoo! Caught'em Catnappin'! Once they get across that bridge, we can tie their tails in a knot!"or here's one when Bill gets really mad at some Cobra bastard pointing a laser gun at him. "This here's a showdown, you scaly varmit!" Personally you need someone who can play a fun loving southern hick who can get away with talking like Yosemite Sam and I think the best person for the job is Steve Zahn (Rescue Dawn, Saving Silverman, Happy, Texas and Out of Sight) He's funny and kinda crazy and I think he'd be a great fit in Wild Bill's ten gallon hat.

CASTING CALL: G.I. Joe The Movie - COBRA! by Cody Dee Williams

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To borrow a line from one of cinema's all-time great villains, "Evil will always triumph, because Good is dumb." - Dark Helmet, Spaceballs.

But besides having the dumbness of Good on their side, bad guys, like ruthless terror organization COBRA from the popular 80's toyline and subsequent cartoon series G.I. Joe: Real American Hero, have a lot more going for them when compared to their Fight-on-the-side-of-Righteousness counterparts - cooler gimmicks, cooler outfits, cooler foreign accents, and cooler names - like Destro. Go on, say it, try it, it's fun! And remember to roll the tongue on the long 'O'. Destro0O!!! For my money one of the most beautiful words in the English language, flat out. We're counting proper nouns, of course. Scrabble rules don't apply in the real world!

So, yes, back to business. They are coming out with a live action feature film of G.I. Joe (finally!!! - thank you Transformers!). And occasionally we here at The Bucket like to pretend that we're important, that our opinions matter, and play casting God. As Jeff said above, I took the main players from COBRA. Had a good time with this one, some fun ideas below. So please, to enjoy:

Cobra Commander:

Peter Sarsgaard: I usually find Mr. Sarsgaard's blase, laid back acting style routinely insipid. However, he does have an asexual, effete quality that I think really works for Cobra Commander, who was always a bit of a fop. Clearly insane, definitely dangerous, but kind of a priss at the same time. Think Joaquin Phoenix's character from Gladiator in a royal blue executioner's mask. Also, Sarsgaard already has a natural reptilian lisp in his normal speaking voice, so no need for any vocal enhancement!

Destro:

Ray Stevenson: Destro, COBRA's chief weapons supplier and Cobra Commander's prima facie number two, is big, bad, and wears a metal mask to cover up a facial disfigurement. Check out Ray Stevenson (HBO's Rome). The man is 6'4"! Dude could kick your ass by just looking at you. Destro is Scottish. Stevenson is Irish. It's been awhile since I've looked at a map of Great Britain, but I say they're close enough!

The Baroness:

Kathleen Robertson or Diane Kruger: Something about the Baroness always did it for me when I was a kid. And this was before I hit puberty. I don't know if it was the glasses, or the German accent, or the raven colored hair, or the killer body underneath that form fitting black outfit. Probably all of the above. She was like a dirty, slutty librarian who could kill you seventeen different ways with only her legs. Robertson (pictured above) looks almost exactly like what I picture the Baroness looking like in real life (and I have). She's beautiful, plus, I think she can act - after an impressive supporting turn in last year's Hollywoodland. Kruger (pictured below), while also gorgeous, is a honest-to-goodness Deutsch Frau, which means no lame fake accent. The Powers-That-Be tried to make her a movie star about four years ago. It didn't work. But with the help of a little black hair dye and an acting coach, no reason she couldn't work for the Baroness. They would both be better choices than the impish Sienna Miller (who has been known to blow away in a strong wind).


Storm Shadow:

Yusuke Iseya: Storm Shadow, COBRA's chief bodyguard and assassin, has always been a fan favorite. He's a bad-ass ninja who isn't all bad. The actor who plays him needs to have mad martial arts skillz (check!), he needs to be Japanese (check!), and most importantly, because Storm Shadow is usually wearing a mask, he needs to have a soulful pair of eyes (check!). Look at those baby blues!. Plus, Yusuke (Japanese film Casshern) is hella popular in Japan, which translates into boffo B.O. (no, not body odor) in the Asian markets!

Major Bludd:

Richard Roxburgh: Roxburgh was practically born to play Major Bludd. For one thing, Roxburgh is Australian, Bludd is Australian. And in addition to being COBRA's primary field commander, Bludd is also a really bad amateur poet. Roxburgh has proven his ability to infuse villainous roles with great comedic moments (e.g. Moulin Rouge - and Van Helsing, although that was less intentional).

Dr. Mindbender:

Christopher Eccleston: Dr. Mindbender, COBRA's chief of science, is a creepy, bald, German guy. Eccleston (BBC's Doctor Who) is a creepy, bald, British guy. And as Meatloaf so aptly put it, two outta three ain't bad!

Zartan:

Tommy Flanagan: Zartan, another fan favorite from the cartoon, is the leader of COBRA mercenary group The Dreadnoks. He's an Australian biker dude whose skin turns blue in sunlight (not exactly sure why?) and he's also a master of disguise. Scottish character actor Tommy Flanagan (Smokin' Aces) looks just like him, plus he's got a bunch of cool, fucked up scars on his face. Bonus!

Tomax & Xamot:

David Anders & David Anders: Originally, I wasn't going to do a pick for Tomax & Xamot, COBRA Crimson Guard co-commanders. Mostly because the idea of one actor playing twins is almost ALWAYS a bad idea (the obvious exception being Jean Claude Van Damme who did it in both Knocked Off and Maximum Risk). But, if there was one other actor on the planet who was capable of pulling it off, I believe David Anders might be that actor. He's such a clever and charismatic actor. Plus he's great at playing British bad guys, as fans of Alias (and more recently Heroes) can attest. And he's not too shabby on the ole peepers. Am I right ladies? I'm married, btw... to a woman.

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Cobra Commander's Day Off: