Friday, September 05, 2008

THE NEWEST PALIN: Helping Name America's Favorite Fetus



Earlier in the week a bit of joyful news arose from the black cloud of vitriol properly referred to as the 2008 Presidential Race. Of course, I am referring to the news that Bristol Palin, 17-year-old daughter of GOP VP hopeful Sarah Palin, is pregnant with child. Bristol, a high school senior and part-time baby holder, was knocked up by this strapping and well-armed fella:



He is 18-year-old Levi Johnston, a fellow senior at Wasilla High School. Bastion of journalistic integrity, The New York Daily News describes the young statutory rapist as a “superhunky bad-boy ice hockey player”.

Reports of the couple’s engagement followed not long after the story of Bristol and Levi’s inglorious love child broke. Looking at these two, clearly in love, mature beyond their teen years, I’m sure the proposal was a beautiful and genuine moment that young Bristol and Levi will look back at and laugh and cherish as their ever lasting bond grows stronger well into their elder years.



However some lonely pessimists in the liberal elite media were quick to label the timing of the youngsters’ betrothal as "suspiciously convenient”. Taking it a step further over the line, some leftist pundit pinheads have even suggested the incident conflicts with Sarah Palin’s staunch stance against sex education in the classroom and the GOP’s core political platform of strong religious, moral, and family values. We here at The Bucket suggest that these arguments are not only ridiculous, but extremely sexist as well.

Seeing how busy the entire Palin clan seems to be at this time, we thought it would be helpful to suggest a few possible baby names for the little bastard on the way. And given Sarah and her robotic stud of a husband Todd’s inspired penchant for naming the children in their family after elements taken from the Great Northwest wilderness - Bristol after Bristol Bay, Willow after a willow tree, Piper after a Piper Cub plane, Trig from the Norse word for “strength”, and Track after... a track – we thought it would be a great idea if they kept that tradition alive when picking out a name for the newest little illegitimate addition to the Palin family.
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If it’s a boy:
- BIRCH
- BARK
- TRAIL
- BOLDER
- WOLF
- SKIFF
- COYOTE
- SPRUCE WILLIS
- OTTER
- SEAL
- MOSS
- PINE
- AXE
- LICHEN
- HAWK
- EAGLE
- FALCON
- JEEP
- FLANNEL
- FOX
- BRANCH
- TRENCH
- PIT
- KLONDIKE
- DENIM
- RANGER
- TWIG
- TROUT
- STURGEON
- PIKE
- DRIFT
- SMOKE
- BULLET
- BUCK
- STEED
- MUSKET

If it’s a girl:
- TIMBER
- TUNDRA
- MAPLE
- WIND
- PUFFIN
- COTTON
- OSPREY
- BREEZE
- RAIN
- DOVE
- CEDAR
- WOOL
- SHOAL
- EMBER
- EGRET
- HAREBELL

If it’s twins:
- HUNTER & GATHERER
- LIBERTY & FREEDOM
- LIGHTNEEN & THUNDER
- DAWN & DUSK
- TINDER & KINDLING
- ROD & REEL
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Hopefully we’ve helped the Palin family with this post. Whatever outdoorsy, rustic name they do decide to bestow upon their misbegotten bundle of joy, one thing is for certain – if it is a boy, he will be one very, very lucky little mongrel…



…because his grandma is a total GILF, dude!!!

3 comments:

Jeff said...

What about Woodchip! I think Woodchip would be a great addition to your list of great names. How about Cutter? Or Bass for a boy. Sea Bass is a hot commodity up there in the North Country.

But personally I liked Harebell for a girl? It's so catchy!

What the hell is that anyway?

Fran said...

Hey wait - we're planning to name our next one Gatherer if it's a girl! Hehehehe.

Tamar said...

Can't. Stop. Laughing!