Monday, November 20, 2006

MOVIES: The Best Bond Flicks According to Entertainment Weekly...And Why They Are Wrong - Part 2

Sorry about having to split this up but it's more dramatic this way. So let's continue on to Entertainment Weekly's list of the 20 Best Bond Flicks ever. Seriously folks it gets much more entertaining.

11. Diamonds Are Forever (1971) -

Yes I will admit that Connery was an old man when he decided to come back for one more bout as the famous secret agent. Honestly, he should have fired his agent for this stupid snafu. He balked on one of the best Bonds scripts ever in On Her Majesty's Secret Service and instead chose this film. This had a few things going for it with a Bullitt like car chase and the bright lights of Las Vegas. But it also had those two creepy dudes Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd who were I guess homicidal homosexuals. Yes it's a bad pun and so were they. Annoying and just bizarre. I never read this book so I couldn't tell you if Fleming wrote these characters originally but I have my doubts. Anyway Jill St. John was great as Tiffany Case and come on even though Connery is pushing 50 he still kicks ass, even if the ass that was kicked were two girls named Thumper and Bambi. I rank this one at number 7.

12. Die Another Day (2002) -Okay, Pierce's last go as Bond. The opening was great the torture was definitely different from any I had seen before. Then they went back to the Diamonds are Forever storyline. Satellites run by diamonds. It didn't work in the seventies what makes you think it would work now. The action scenes were fun and I really liked the villain until he destroyed his credibility by donning the Mighty Morphin Power Ranger outfit at the end. Some may disagree with me, my friend Marty thinks it looked more like Captain Power. Either way it looked stupid. On top of that you had ultra hot Halle Berry completely miscast as a super American spy. The producers were so out of touch that they wanted to possibly make a spin off with this character. All I'll say about that is, thank god her character's name is Jinx. The invisible car was lame but Rosamund Pike was hot. Maybe I'll put this one at number 9. Oh, I forgot about the Batman and Robinesqe ice palace. On second thought it will work out fine at number 10.

13. Moonraker (1979) - At least they didn't put this piece of shit in the top ten. In my opinion it's still too high. For some reason the Producers Broccoli thought it would be a brilliant idea to tap into the sci-fi genre and create a space battle worthy of Star Wars. Maybe a space battle worthy of Santa Claus Vs. The Martians. This movie was pure and utter garbage. I've seen this movie all the way through once. Now a days I can't even get through the opening sequence. Recently I read Fleming's novel of the same name and I actually liked it a lot. It's a shame that they couldn't translate anything good from the book. So apparently the Jaws character falls in love in the end. Does that mean he won't be a bad guy anymore? Which means he won't be seen in these movies again. Thank God. If you hadn't already figured out this was the worst of the entire series and has earned it's place at the bottom.

14. Tomorrow Never Dies (1997) - There is no way this or any movie we put in from here on in can be worse than Moonraker. That being said, Jonathan Pryce's Rupert Murdoch rip off was pretty damn cheezy. Delicious. He wasn't as bad as Jaws though but he did meet an awesome death at the business end of a sea drill. Pierce admitedly does his best with the bad plot but the action is great and I absolutely loved the Bond score. Michelle Yeoh was fun but I wished they had let her do her thing a bit more like she did in Supercop. They did kill Terri Hatcher early in the movie but her acting wasn't so good in this one so it was probably a blessing in disguise. I guess I would have to rank this one at number 12.

15. A View To A Kill (1985) - This was Roger Moore's last Bond. Nothing in my mind could be better than that. This one did disturb me mostly because Grace Jones disturbs me. The fact that Bond actually got some of that gives me nightmares. What were they thinking. Grace Jones is a model, I know, but she's friggin scary. Christopher Walken was the big baddie and normally I love everything Walken but this was before he found a niche in comedy. The material was pretty bland and Moore was pretty old. I think it's obvious that this one should be just a bit lower at number 17.

16. The Living Daylights (1987) - Timothy Dalton's first Bond flick. The downsides to this one they tried to make a more sympathetic and heroic Bond. No more cigarettes and only one girl. That was pretty lame but I thought the story was interesting it just took too long to tell. I disagree with EW's opinion that Dalton had no charisma. I thought he was good and tough but I think sometimes he wasn't always in on the joke. I guess it balances out: Moore was too goofy and Dalton was too serious. Anyway they kept the gadget quotient down which I like. I'll put this one at number 9.

17. The Man With The Golden Gun (1974) - "De Plane Boss De Plane." Yes folks that little guy from Fantasy Island was a sidekick villain who almost kicked Bond's ass. Although Christopher Lee was a good villain in a so-so script. Again this was one of those where I really liked the book. This was Ian Fleming's last novel and in my opinion the second best of the Roger Moore flicks. Even though that annoying Sheriff from Live and Let Die is in this one I can still tolerate most of this film. Again it strikes at the character of Bond if a dumb hillbilly from Louisiana knows James Bond is a spy then I think Bond really needs to consider a career change. Although Ms. Goodnight was great to look at and like I said I didn't cringe through too many scenes. I'll rank this one at number 13.

18. Octopussy (1983) - Okay this one could really be a tie with Moonraker. It involved circus freaks and clowns as major villains. When James Bond has to shoot a bunch of carnys to save the world then we know we are really in trouble. Again I agree with EW this one deserves it's spot at number 18.

19. Licence to Kill (1989) - This was not a traditional Bond story and people have a real hate on for this one. I actually like it. I think it's strange for Bond to be getting revenge on a drug cartel but if you had read the review for number 18 then you would know that going after a cartel is a step up from clowns. I like it when Bond goes rogue and I always like it when he does it with minimal gadgetry. Like Lazenby I think Dalton was given a bad rep. He's not that terrible and the action in this was pretty good. Sure it's not a real interesting plot, but Bond gets to hash out some mean vengence and that is always good. Plus Wayne Newton is in it. I gotta say this one works well for me at number 14. Wayne says, "Bless your heart."

20. The World Is Not Enough (1999) There is no way in all of creation that this is the worst Bond film ever. It's not a great movie, they try, they really do. They want people to be aware of global oil problems, nice message. Sophie Marceau is smoking hot in this one. They don't allow Robert Carlyle to truly find his inner villain but I thought his little super power was kind of cool for a villain. (He couldn't feel pain.) The storyline really wasn't that bad it just was poorly executed. I really enjoyed the opening sequence, although the boat scene was a bit long and a tad silly. I also agree with EW that Denise Richards should never play a nuclear physicist named Christmas Jones. I mean come on people, I admit that the little joke at the end about having Christmas in Turkey was funny, but they really should have given her a better name. Anyway I think this one fits very snuggly at number 16.

So here it is my list from 1-20:

1. From Russia With Love
2. Dr. No
3. Goldfinger (I think I may put Casino Royale here though, it was that good.)
4. Thunderball
5. GoldenEye
6. You Only Live Twice
7. Diamonds Are Forever
8. For Your Eyes Only
9. The Living Daylights
10. Die Another Day
11. On Her Majesty's Secret Service
12. Tomorrow Never Dies
13. The Man With The Golden Gun
14. License To Kill
15. The Spy Who Loved Me
16. The World Is Not Enough
17. A View To A Kill
18. Octopussy
19. Live And Let Die
20. Moonraker

So that's how I would rank them. If you have a better top twenty let me know.


Cody Dee Williams said...

Damn you GI Jeff! Once again you've beaten me to the punch! Great incites here. You are a true Bond aficionado. Those EW writers have the goddamn heads up their goddamn asses!

Cody Dee Williams said...

You know what, though? Couple flaws in your list...

1). You've got Diamonds Are Forever WWWAAAAYYYY too high on your list. #7???? What are you smoking? DAF is so kitschy it makes some of the Moore films seem tame! It's got the Jimmy Dean sausage guy in it for Christssake!

2). OHMSS should at least be in your top ten. You ought to be ashamed to have ranked DAF, Die Another Day, and The Living Daylights higher.

Otherwise, it's a fair list. Some nit picky issues here and there, but you are entitled to your opinions (as skewed as they may be). I think our readers deserve a second opinion...