Wednesday, August 23, 2006

CELEBRITY BUCKET 'O DUMB: Three Times A Celebrity

We've got the tri-fecta for you this week! The winner of our Summer of '06 Celebrity Bucket O'Dumb is a three way tie between a diaper dandy (I'm channeling Dick Vitale), a washed up hyper active buffoon and a religious zealot. That's right I'm talking about Paris Hilton, Mel Gibson and Tom Cruise. If we could just ignore them maybe they would go away, but somehow it's difficult to look away as the train careens toward the cliff. These three are perhaps the most annoying Hollywood has to offer and hopefully, as the front pages have reported in the last few weeks, if we, the viewing public have any luck, this may be the end of all of their careers.

Let's start with the Diaper Dandy, Paris Hilton. Why did we give her this award? She's a moron with money. She represents a bygone era known to many as the 80's. Excess. Her kind of people should never be encouraged in a free society; they represent everything that is wrong with capitalism. Instead of rewarding this retard for being rich why don't they tell the little tramp what she really should be doing with a billion dollar fortune. I blame the parents first, just like Willy Wonka--"What do you do if your kid is a--brat." I say the girl didn't get the belt as a kid--Yesss that's perfect that's what I want to see Paris Hilton on live TV getting spanked with a belt. Who am I kidding they probably have a sex tape of that somewhere--she would probably enjoy it anyway. My point here folks is that we as a society need to stop pretending to ignore her and really ignore her. She isn't interesting, she's dumb, her boobs are flat and come on she really isn't that pretty. This should be a no brainier. So come on and join me in turning your back on this hack celebrity who shoves her blinged ass in our faces and for some reason we say yes please Paris humiliate us some more. It must end now. Vive Le resistance!

What can be said about Tom Cruise? He's not that bright. He appears as a fake to the public with his Joker like grin and horrendously overly enthusiastic laugh. He is also a representative of a controversial religion/cult that tends to grow stranger as time passes. I personally do not like Tom Cruise but I love his movies and hopefully one day maybe he will disappear to the bowels of Hollywood only to show his face for another Hollywood Blockbuster. I fear those days may be numbered. Sir Tom was just handed his walking papers by Paramount Pictures where he has been able to drink the Kool-Aid of success since Top Gun in 1986. It could be a sad day for Paramount but they've put up with his shit for a year or so now. Tom Cruise gets the Bucket award because he totally tanked a good movie, Mission Impossible 3, cause he couldn't keep his feet off Oprah's furniture and his mouth shut in front of Matt Lauer. The guy has a severe PR problem, but that is the price you pay for ideology. Tom it's time to decide between your career and Scientology, it's taken you this far but I think you just peaked. Personally I think you have enough talent to go at it alone, drop the Xanu talk and stop worrying about your next stress test and audit of your Thetan or whatever you call it. Prove to the world that you aren't batshit crazy and get back to the business of entertaining people with your movies. I don't care about your baby, I don't care about your relationship with Katie Holmes--Stop making public appearances, people know who you are it's not necessary for you to promote your movies, okay. You're starting to make Michael Jackson seem normal, so get your shit together, admit your baby is a fake and just go under for awhile, people will forget, trust me.

Now onto our third winner, another celeb with a PR problem. Let's move past the anti-Semitic remarks and "Sugar Tits" and get to the real problem at hand. Mel Gibson was driving drunk and not just a couple of glasses of wine drunk, I'm talking Nick Nolte drunk. He blew a .12; the legal limit in California is .08. I mean that kid from Sixth Sense is going to the big house, what makes Mel so special? Is it because he has friends on the Malibu police force? What if someone were hurt or killed during his little adventure, not to mention the guy mouthed off to the arresting officer, which should be another charge. I used to like Mel Gibson when he pretended to be crazy in Mad Max and Lethal Weapon. It's sad that this guy inspired all of these Christians with his Passion of the Christ and then blew it all on booze and hate. Look, I think the guy was an ass to say all of those things but I think it's even worse that he was driving drunk. I've noticed that he didn't really apologize for that. So Mel you get the award for being a complete and total loser, hopefully you'll clean up your act. But I know deep down that we will be revisiting more of your exploits on these pages again soon--I have faith in that.

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