The Expendables 2

I have an idea, you as fans may not like it, but I really think it needs to be done here. Our friend Sylvester he needs your help. A lot of actors well most of them, live in fantasy worlds. It's easy to get caught up in it and it's got to be damn hard to let it go once you've inhabited that world for a little while. Well as you all know Sylvester Stallone has inhabited this fantasy world as a tough grid iron bad ass for over 30 years now and he was glorious in that time. But someone, anyone needs to tell him that that time may be over and he needs to recognize his age. I want to reiterate that he is three years older then my Dad at the very young age of 66. Don't get me wrong the guy looks great for his age, he's in great physical shape, but you know what so is my Dad and he would look pretty goofy running around with a 50cal avoiding explosions and attempting to beat up Jean Claude Van Damme. I'm sorry Sly taking the grey out of your hair is not going to really make you look younger or make you look less sad when you hit on women thirty times your age. So I think, after watching the latest action flick from Stallone, that it's time we did him a favor and like in Don Quioxte put the mirror in front of his face and politely tell him he's not chasing dragons it's a fucking windmill it's time to put the sword and shield away or pass it along to your younger successor, whoever that may be. Please do it now to keep your legacy in tact, oh and one other tiny thing, please stop writing your own movies. Pretty Please?

I know the above paragraph was harsh and a strange way to start a review, but come on, we all know what a review of the Expendables 2 looks like and it isn't very good. The first film was also not very good but it was shot pretty well and the action match ups were pretty damn good and worth the price of admission. The one that sticks out to me is the Couture Austin fight. That was and still is in my mind one of the best action sequences in the last ten years or so. I loved it. The rest of the movie was goofy and a little strange but at least we had these great matchups with these great titans of war. Right off the bat in this sequel we are swimming in heroes. The first time it was a curiosity seeing Stallone, Willis and Arnie all in the same movie. When I was a little kid I always thought it would be fun and it was very cool the first time to see them all together sharing the screen even if it was probably 15 to 20 years to late. For the sequel we get what we all got when we were 9 playing on the playground at recess. You and your good friends all fighting over who is going to be a good guy and who is a bad guy. I guess poor Van Damme had to draw the short straw, and he is the only one. Newcomer Chuck Norris as bad ass loner wolf Booker doesn't play bad guys, duh, that's only in real life. Arnie as Trench and Willis as Church return to their roles in a larger capacity. Not to mention the return of the regulars Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), Hale Caesar (Terry Crews), Toll Road (Randy Couture), Yin Yang (Jet Li) & Gunner (Dolph Lundgren). Throw in a few young newbies Billy the Kid (Liam Hemsworth) and Maggie (Nan Yu) and that's pretty much about it. Anyway, Van Damme is playing a guy not so cleverly named Vilain and he's after some uranium to sell to the highest bidder and it's up to the Old Man and his crew to stop him.

I can't say enough how much Stallone needs to stop writing his movies this isn't the 80's dude you can't get away with some of the dumb incomprehensible lines and puns nowadays without some collective groans from the audience. Almost all of Arnie's lines are one-liners he tried to be meta about it but it backfired horribly and he just looked even worse. The best scene with Arnie is when he ripped off the door to the tiny car and climbed in with Bruce Willis, I'm not saying it was a great scene because of the action but it was a little funny. The rest of his scenes were just ridiculous and just...old, again do any of these people realize the 80's happened 30 years ago? Chuck Norris fares the best of the team as he shows up out of the blue gets a couple of funny lines ripped from the internet that add to the lore of Chuck Norris and then he disappears for a bit. The action scenes were short and horribly lit, it was impossible to see anything. I expected the story and dialogue to be shit but I at least expected to see some beautiful explosions, unfortunately, I was denied again. The opener was pretty fun as the team was fucking stuff up on a separate mission and I thought the action was a bit tighter. But once they start after Van Damme everything goes dark and choppy, which should be blamed on Simon West and his inability to frame up. Van Damme wasn't terrible as the one and only villain, he didn't have very much to do but I liked what he brought to the table.

Which brings me to one of the worst parts of the film which was the one and only versus fight in the film between Stallone and Van Damme. Basically it boils down to Van Damme getting in a few signature kicks and Stallone just beating the shit out of him in what has to be the most unrealistic display of Stallone basically telling Van Damme, my court, my ball, my rules. Your ass goes down in the third. Stallone's at least twenty years older than Van Damme who still looks like he's in pretty great shape. Why not have Statham fight Van Damme that would have been awesome. But what can you do he's following the 80's script. The Number 1 hero has to fight the number 1 villain and the Number 2 hero has to fight the number 2 villain. Which wasn't honestly a bad fight but who the fuck was this number 2 villain anyway? I don't know but it would have been cooler if it was Van Damme instead. Also thought it was tedious as characters would show up and disappear solely for us to ooh and ah at their presence. It's a little insulting and lazy. So if you really really must do an Expendables 3 please hire Shane Black to write and direct. He can right the ship honest and he may be able to let these old geezers look like they belong in an action movie again. I'm not trying to be insulting to Stallone and company I love the guy and wish him well to make some awesome movies in the future but he needs a dose of some reality and he needs it stat!

Grade: 1 and half buckets