Conan: The Barbarian

I really could have seen anything this weekend, maybe I should have, but I was just too damn curious to see what this thing would look like. I was never a huge fan of the comic book character and I remember vaguely seeing the Conan movies long ago and I honestly can't tell you much about them except that Arnold was in them and he said things like, "Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women!" It's a funny line, bad ass, but funny. Especially when Arnie says it. I just wasn't sure how they would be able to reboot a series that pretty much made Arnold the action God that he is.

Conan the Barbarian (Jason Momoa) is out for revenge against the evil bastard that killed his father (Ron Perlman), his name...Lord Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang). Conan finds out that Zym is trying to revive his dead witch of a wife using a special mask of power created by Necromancers and to, you guessed it, take over the world. In order to do all of this conquering Zym has to get the pure blood of an Archeon (don't worry it really isn't that important to the plot to know what an Archeon is.) named Tamara (Rachel Nichols). Conan grunts and smolders and kicks a lot of ass, protects Tamara and puts the smack down on Zym and his nutbag daughter with the giant forehead, Marique (Rose McGowan).  End of story.

There really isn't much to say about this it's pretty much as advertised. The entire plot, narrated nicely by Morgan Freeman by the way, is spelled out in the beginning about Necromancers, dark masks and magic, yadda yadda. The film doesn't waste much time to get to the Spartacus: Blood and Sand type gore. Conan doesn't say much he growls and stares like the lead singer of Metallica and he has this annoying habit of randomly driving his sword into the ground. Momoa, who also does his best Conan on the hit show Game of Thrones, isn't terrible in the role. The kid who plays Conan the younger tops him for sure. Momoa wields the sword as best he can in a script that seems to have been written by a three year old. It's absent the politics and subtle overtones on war and spiritualism of the Milius' hit from the 80's. But it delivers on what is advertised lots of action and blood and gore and ample boobies throughout to keep any red blooded male satisfied. Not to mention the locales are pretty breathtaking. Very impressive cinematography I must say. Stephen Lang chews the scenery well as Zym but he isn't served much by the role, and Rose McGowan is pretty much useless except for looking head-scratchingly weird with her bulbous forehead and squeaky voice. She doesn't sound much like a warrior woman. Rachel Nichols provides the only character development other than young Conan and she does her best with what she has to deal with. It's also too bad we didn't get to see more Ron Perlman as Conan's daddy. This guy is great in pretty much whatever he does.

Overall it's a brutal mindless action flick that really should have come out earlier in the summer and probably would have fared much better. Also if you do decide to go and see it I would personally skip the 3D if I were you. I saw it in 2D and it looked just fine, there doesn't seem to be any advantage in seeing it in 3D, except for the studio, in that it burns a hole in your pocket. But if you're looking for an escape from the reality of our shitty economy and you're just feeling bloodthirsty about it then don't waste anytime get your blood lust out on this Conan flick and feel much better.

Grade: 2 Buckets