Conan: The Barbarian

I really could have seen anything this weekend, maybe I should have, but I was just too damn curious to see what this thing would look like. I was never a huge fan of the comic book character and I remember vaguely seeing the Conan movies long ago and I honestly can't tell you much about them except that Arnold was in them and he said things like, "Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women!" It's a funny line, bad ass, but funny. Especially when Arnie says it. I just wasn't sure how they would be able to reboot a series that pretty much made Arnold the action God that he is.

Conan the Barbarian (Jason Momoa) is out for revenge against the evil bastard that killed his father (Ron Perlman), his name...Lord Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang). Conan finds out that Zym is trying to revive his dead witch of a wife using a special mask of power created by Necromancers and to, you guessed it, take over the world. In order to do all of this conquering Zym has to get the pure blood of an Archeon (don't worry it really isn't that important to the plot to know what an Archeon is.) named Tamara (Rachel Nichols). Conan grunts and smolders and kicks a lot of ass, protects Tamara and puts the smack down on Zym and his nutbag daughter with the giant forehead, Marique (Rose McGowan).  End of story.

There really isn't much to say about this it's pretty much as advertised. The entire plot, narrated nicely by Morgan Freeman by the way, is spelled out in the beginning about Necromancers, dark masks and magic, yadda yadda. The film doesn't waste much time to get to the Spartacus: Blood and Sand type gore. Conan doesn't say much he growls and stares like the lead singer of Metallica and he has this annoying habit of randomly driving his sword into the ground. Momoa, who also does his best Conan on the hit show Game of Thrones, isn't terrible in the role. The kid who plays Conan the younger tops him for sure. Momoa wields the sword as best he can in a script that seems to have been written by a three year old. It's absent the politics and subtle overtones on war and spiritualism of the Milius' hit from the 80's. But it delivers on what is advertised lots of action and blood and gore and ample boobies throughout to keep any red blooded male satisfied. Not to mention the locales are pretty breathtaking. Very impressive cinematography I must say. Stephen Lang chews the scenery well as Zym but he isn't served much by the role, and Rose McGowan is pretty much useless except for looking head-scratchingly weird with her bulbous forehead and squeaky voice. She doesn't sound much like a warrior woman. Rachel Nichols provides the only character development other than young Conan and she does her best with what she has to deal with. It's also too bad we didn't get to see more Ron Perlman as Conan's daddy. This guy is great in pretty much whatever he does.

Overall it's a brutal mindless action flick that really should have come out earlier in the summer and probably would have fared much better. Also if you do decide to go and see it I would personally skip the 3D if I were you. I saw it in 2D and it looked just fine, there doesn't seem to be any advantage in seeing it in 3D, except for the studio, in that it burns a hole in your pocket. But if you're looking for an escape from the reality of our shitty economy and you're just feeling bloodthirsty about it then don't waste anytime get your blood lust out on this Conan flick and feel much better.

Grade: 2 Buckets

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

The summer is winding down as the crazy action-packed blockbusters start to fade away. This film could be called another re-boot, remake or pre-quel in the popular sci-fi series. The early trailers didn't do much for me except for the motion-capture CGI apes that looked damn impressive. The trailers followed the apocalyptic blueprint to a tee: Man creates cure, cure is not what it is meant to be, the experiment goes haywire, Apes become smart, Apes rule the Earth. It's crude but that's what it looked like to me, thankfully that's not what it was.

Will Rodman (James Franco), a geneticist, is struggling to find a cure for Alzheimer's disease. It is even more personal for him since his Father, Charles (John Lithgow), is suffering from this disease. Will is experimenting with chimps, he discovers that his cure enhances the brain power of the chimps with violent side effects. When a baby chimp, Caesar (Andy Serkis), is discovered to have the cure in his bloodstream, passed from his mother to him. Will finds that Caesar is different from all of the others, as he grows his brain functions triple in size. He forms a consciousness and begins to feel the torment of an intelligent mind in the body of an animal that is considered inferior.  Caesar is taken from Will when he attacks a neighbor in self defense. They lock him away and he learns how to gain respect among his kind and to escape.

I was truly impressed by this movie, I didn't expect to like it as much as I did. It had all the trappings of the end of the world scenario but instead of strictly following the formula it veered off into something completely different altogether. Unfortunately for Will and his very hot girlfriend Caroline (Freida Pinto), they just weren't interesting enough to carry the film. Where the film was unique and overall satisfying is watching Caesar learn and grow while under Will's care and then later at the Pound. How he earns the respect of the other chimps and he comes to understand who he is and what he actually wants. It will surprise you in it's simplicity but it also just felt completely honest. Don't worry I won't talk about what that is here. You had some nice performances from Lithgow and I liked seeing funnyman Tyler Labine being utilized in something worthwhile. This isn't a funny role for him but it was nice seeing him play someone other than a giant douche. Even though they didn't give her enough to do I also enjoyed Freida Pinto, she's a good actress and she deserved a bit more meat than she was given. But in the end the real star here is Caesar, at first you feel like you are just looking at some very clever CGI but as it continues and you see him in his prison trying to sort out what to do. You completely forget you are looking at a CGI construct and you are convinced that Caesar is alive. Another testament to Andy Serkis and his motion-capture performance. The guy truly should be up for an Oscar this time as he should have been for his role as Gollum.

If you aren't interested in crap horror movies (Final Destination 5, Fright Night) Conan or stupid blue creatures then you really should check this one out. It's got a pretty good cast and a pretty good script. This is not your Father's Planet of the Apes. This is not just an action movie, although the bridge fight was impressive. This fits more in line with Flowers for Algernon. This is about an animal that becomes aware of itself and it's surroundings and how he deals with that. If they can continue to make the Apes franchise with this much care and attention then I think you can have a healthy series in the coming future.

Grade: 3 1/2 Buckets

Cowboys & Aliens

So, I know many of you are asking, what the hell is this film about? That's really the beauty of that title. It's all right there. Although you could technically call it Cowboys, Indians & Aliens, but that probably wouldn't sound right. This is actually a pulse pounding action Western that is the embodiment of Survival of the Fittest. Funny story, I ironically put that idea into motion as I was driving out of the parking lot at the end of the movie. I watched to my horror, as two dumb rednecks in their pickup truck were careening in reverse towards me, the only thought in my head was, "What the Fuck are they doing, and am I going to die in the Movie Theatre Parking Lot?" Thankfully I pulled quickly out of the spot and the redneck stopped suddenly if I had jerked the wheel the idiot would have probably run into me. I then realized of course that he was putting on the throttle just to get my parking space. You see it would have proven that theory, as the dumb jackass was driving a beat up old pick up truck and I was driving a 2003 Volvo station wagon. It's built like a tank I would have had some bruises and he would be a grease stain. "Only the Strong Survive," in action.  My near death crisis aside, or his near death crisis, as it was, I had a blast with this film. I'm starting to get annoyed with these reviewers and their bitching and moaning.  This was exactly what was advertised, it had action heroes like Daniel Craig and the man himself Harrison Ford kicking alien ass and taking names, what else do you need? A plot you say? There was one, they didn't go to great detail but it was there, and here it is in a nutshell.

The man with no name awakens in the desert with hardly any clothes and a strange alien device strapped to his arm. He can't seem to remember his name, turns out later to be Lonergan (Daniel Craig), and he hasn't forgotten that he's a bad ass. He rides into town and runs head first into trouble as the local Cattle Baron's brat of a kid, Percy (Paul Dano),  tries to provoke the man with no name to mixed results. The brat's dad Col. Dolarhyde (Harrison Ford), is a tough man, some might even say a bad man, keeping the townsfolk in fear of him. He confronts Lonergan but before they can throw down the sky lights up and the Aliens come to town. Killing and kidnapping folk left and right. It's up to Lonergan, a band of Indians under the command of Black Knife (Raoul Trujillo) and Dolarhyde to put away their gripe and work together to get their people back and kill the demons.

I'm always a sucker for a good western and a good sci-fi flick so putting them together was a no-brainer for me. There are many ways this could have gone south but they had a pretty excellent team here with great support from veterans like Sam Rockwell, Clancy Brown, Adam Beach, Keith Carradine and of course the beautiful and mysterious Olivia Wilde.  Personally you can't have an authentic western without Keith Carradine being in the mix somehow. It was great seeing him and Harrison Ford together and it makes me wish that Harrison had done more westerns. I would have loved to see the two of them in a kick ass western twenty years ago, ah well better late than never. It's a really fun ride, don't let the naysayers tell you different. Director Jon Favreau, Producer Steven Spielberg and one of the writers Damon Lindelof  (Lost, Star Trek) spared no expense to bring you a fun action flick. So please, do us all a favor and stay away from the blue creatures that sing. Put your money into a man's movie. It's stronger and better and deserves to stomp out those fucking annoying blue rodents. Even though I'm sad to report that even though Cowboys & Aliens barely skated by it's opening weekend over the blue turds it looks like it's going to come up short in it's second weekend. A truly sad day for film.

Grade: 3 1/2 Buckets

Captain America: The First Avenger

How many Comic Book movies does that make now just for the last four months? Not that I'm complaining or anything I've seen most of the biggies and I'd have to say I'm about 65% satisfied with the lot of them. But I do think in the future it might behoove these film companies to spread the spandex out just a little bit. For instance having Thor, Green Lantern, X-Men: First Class, Transformers 3D and Captain America all come out within 4 months of each other was kind of overkill. Which brings me to my next point about Cap's box office haul opening weekend last week, it had pretty good reviews and opened to a solid 65 million. Yes, that's a pretty solid opening for a superhero that isn't enjoying Spider-Man size popularity across the board. But honestly, it should have been bigger, which makes me think it had something to do with Cape and spandex fatigue. I mean after all the bloated shit the U.S. has had to deal over the last few years in addition to real super soldiers from Seal Team 6 putting two in Osama's face, there was no doubt in my mind that a guy who wears a star spangled shield and is named Captain America kicking the Nazi's ass in WWII was, and frankly should, be number 1 at the box office for three straight weeks. America, Fuck Yeah!

Weakly Steve Rogers (Chris Evans), is determined to join the Army to fight the Nazis at whatever cost. He may be a 90 pound asthmatic weakling but he's got courage and heart which count for a lot. He's denied several times at various recruiting stations until a kindly scientist, Dr. Abraham Erskine (Stanley Tucci) offers him the chance to serve his country by being the first test subject for a Super Soldier Program.  Cap gets to join forces with the Howling Commandos; his old pal Bucky Barnes (Sebastian Stan), Gabe Jones (Derek Luke), Dum Dum Dugan (Neal McDonough), Jim Morita (Kenneth Choi), James Montgomery Falsworth (JJ Feild) and Jaques Dernier (Bruno Ricci). Their mission is to bring down the science division of the S.S, Hydra, led by Johann Schmidt aka. The Red Skull (Hugo Weaving) and his toady scientist Dr. Arnim Zola (Toby Jones). Cap gets some extra support from his gal Peggy Carter (Haley Atwell) a British agent who is fiesty, smart and gorgeous. Also from the craggy Col. Chester Phillips (Tommy Lee Jones) and the Billionaire industrialist and father of Iron Man Howard Stark (Dominic Cooper).

As a fan of the comics and the Avengers it's easy to forget when you are reading about this adonis with the super shield actually started as a weakling. You get a few random sketches of him, in those books, as a thin rail but most of the story he's already Captain America with his heightened strength, speed and agility. So for the film it was really great seeing the Cap you know and love in the body of this little runt. It really gives the performance a lot more weight. Yes at times it was a bit hokey and the script wasn't perfect. But it really captured the essence of the time period, that spirit of the Greatest Generation and Evans' Steve Rogers embodies that perfectly. I really did enjoy this flick, director Joe Johnson has, for the second time, been successful in transporting me back to the early part of the 20th Century. The first was the Rocketeer from 1991, a truly fun flick if you haven't seen it I recommend you check it out on Netflix. Cap also fits in nicely to the larger story that everyone, including myself have been waiting for, The Avengers. There is a great teaser trailer for it after the credit sequence, it's like being a kid at Christmas. It's a truly fun flick and if you are looking to just get away and see something that will make you feel good to be an American, where it seems like the "Can do Spirit" still exists. So avoid the Smurfs, go and see something worth a damn, God Bless America!

Grade: 3 Buckets

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2

The end is nigh! Oh what will Warner Brothers do now? I'm sure that as much as WB has been anticipating the finale to one of the most profitable film series ever, they are also dreading the fact that they won't be able to pull the lever on the cash register for this series any longer. The funny thing is once the last book ended, author J.K. Rowling assured the public that there would be no more Potter to tell. Now that some time has passed and the films are coming to a close she has been gradually changing her tune from a never to a....maybe. Which must have given the execs at Warner Brothers a big Corporate grin because it means that maybe we haven't seen the last of Harry Potter, or at least his universe. Personally I wouldn't mind seeing some of the other characters get a stand-alone flick or maybe some prequels, but I would just as soon go forward and find another pond to jump into. What about the Wizarding World in the U.S.? Take note Warner Brothers! But enough of my yammering about the future, let's focus on the present and my review.

I have really enjoyed this series especially the last two or three, they have, in my mind, been able to convey the tone of the last few books and in some cases exceed them. That would certainly be true for this last film. I really enjoyed part 1 where Harry (Daniel Radcliffe), Ron (Rupert Grint) and Hermione (Emma Watson) are forced to go on the run, looking for Horocruxes, as Voldermort (Ralph Fiennes) grows ever stronger. They had to fend for themselves living in isolation in a tent like refugees moving from place to place in order to stay hidden. It was truly excellent filmmaking and I was sure that wouldn't be able to keep it up into the final chapter. Thankfully, they were able to do that and more. The pacing was extraordinary as we followed the kids from one harrowing journey after another from Gringotts Bank to Hogwarts where the final showdown takes place. It did feel a little Return of the Jedi-ish, without the space battle of course. I got a kick out of watching shy Neville Longbottom (Matthew Lewis) come out of his shell and become a reluctant hero worthy of Indiana Jones, when you see the scene you'll know what I mean. Ralph Fiennes also brought an interesting new wrinkle for Voldermort as you get to see him for the first time as a vulnerable man clinging on to the little bit of life he has left. I was also really glad they finally gave Professor McGonagall (Maggie Smith) some much needed screen time, I feel like she usually gets the short end of the stick in these movies but she got some great lines and even some action pieces in this one. Daniel Radcliffe has continued to shine and take command of this series and there is no doubt that this kid has vastly improved his skills from the slightly wooden of the first two films to the reflective and honest portrayal in this last film. It was great to see Ron and Hermione get some much needed screen time and the flashback sequences for Snape (Alan Rickman) were some of the best of the series. Just those scenes alone proved why the talented actor would take on what would seem to be a tiny and insignificant role because, as you discover watching those scenes, it turns out to be one of the most intriguing of the series.  But I promise I won't go into detail here.

The action scenes were intense and they did a great job with the 3D. They were clear and concise and you could really feel the carnage as Hogwarts gets ripped to shreds. Both Tamar and I were more than impressed, lately the 3D flicks I've seen have been mediocre to terrible, so it was nice to see them use it properly. It wasn't in your face every second but they utilized the technology more for depth and scope rather than bells and whistles and in my mind made it much more exciting. Now if I had any problems with the story it was mostly some nitpicky things where they introduced characters oh so briefly and they disappeared just as quickly without much explanation either way. In some cases, at least for those of us who read the books, it was fine, but if you hadn't read the books you were probably scratching your head a bit more than usual. Here are a few names that you may either be scratching your head at who the hell they are or if you are like me agree that these folk needed a bit more screen time if you were going to introduce them at all. Bill Weasley, Ariana Dumbledore, Remus Lupin (David Thewlis), Tonks (Natalia Tena) and Aberforth Dumbledore (Ciaran Hinds). The premise surrounding the Dumbledore brother's sister Ariana was always intriguing in the book and I had forgotten what had actually happened, but they don't give you much to go on in the film either which sort of felt like a waste. Why give us these nuggets if you aren't going to at least explain some of it. And of course Remus and Tonks get sidestepped again, yes I understand the book did this as well but it was one thing I was hoping they were going to correct for the film. They were probably in it for about two minutes and then --SPOILER ALERT--- they were worm food. I felt there was something more for Lupin to do and it felt like Rowling didn't know what that was and now it looks like we'll never know.  It's one of those things where I wish screenwriter Steve Kloves had put his foot down with J.K. and said that too many of these deaths occur off camera and people are going to feel cheated. The flip side of that argument is that it's just life and people die. Deal with it. True enough but I can't help but feel a little disappointed.

As for the final sequence, with the kids all grown up and sending their kids off to Hogwarts, I actually felt it played well. Yes you could look at it as the super happy ending but if you watch that great scene with a world weary Harry comforting his young son about his trepidation of being chosen into the Slytherin house. It gives weight to a certain person's sacrifice and it validates the kind of man that Harry has finally grown into. So all you haters can relax. I have truly enjoyed this series and I personally hope they leave it alone for future endeavors, it's pretty perfect the way it is.

Grade: 4 Buckets