Superhero Smackdown Tournament: Intellect Round 1

Hey Everyone--sorry it took so long to continue the bracket but had some crazy stuff going on at work and went on vacation with the Fam. So no more excuses here is the rest of the first round of Superhero Smackdown!!

Enjoy!!

(You can click on the bracket to make it bigger.)





Moving on now to the third bracket: Intellect





1. Iron Man Vs. 16. Batman & Robin
















Tony Stark's (Robert Downey Jr.) brilliant mind versus the Dynamic Duo (George Clooney & Chris O'Donnell) and their sidekick Batgirl (Alicia Silverstone). Tony decides that he needs a new addition to Stark Industries and begins the buy out of Wayne Enterprises. Now if he had tried this during the first Batman or later with Batman Begins it would have been a little too pricey. He plans it just right when the stock is so low it's almost through the floor. So after the buyout he discovers the Batcave and starts to sell off the hokey gadgets. Batman and Robin stand in costume in utter shock as this true Billionare Playboy takes charge. "So I like the space, but, yeah, this car is--you don't really drive that do you? I mean it looks like a friggin clown car or something...I mean it's all nice and dark but the fin looks ridiculous. Tell you what--I'll build you a new one." He notices the batnipples on the suits. "Now that's just embarrasing. What are we gladiators in Rome or something, Bruce? I gotta tell you I was told you were the Dark Knight but--you know you aren't gonna be striking fear in men's hearts with outfits like that pal, maybe striking something else if you know what I mean." That's when Mr. Freeze (Arnold Swartzenegger) crashes the party. Tony does a quick change into Iron Man. Mr. Freeze has a goofy smile on his face as he says something stupid like, "I will be da' Coola' King of Gotham City, and you will not stop me Batman." Stark just shrugs his shoulders and uses his ion blasts to blow Mr. Freeze to kingdom come. Stark says, "Was he wearing Bunny Slippers?" Tony winks at Batgirl, drapes an arm around her and says, "You on the other hand can keep your suit--it's great, sexy, kind of kinky but sexy and I like that." Batman and Robin still look befuddled.





Winner: Iron Man





8. The Hulk (2003) Vs. 9. Spider-Man 3

The Green Goliath's first film versus the Emo wallcrawler's third. Both of these films were on opposite sides of the critics list. Hulk was actually lauded by many critics but rejected by the box office and some comic buffs. Spidey 3 on the other hand kicked ass at the box office making 151 million it's opening weekend but was gored to death by critics and comics fans. After defeating the Absorbing Father, Hulk (Eric Bana) dusts off his purple pants and flexes his muscles as black clad Spidey (Tobey Macguire) hops into the ring. Hulk picks up a tank and tosses it at the web-spinner but with Spidey's power and the addition of his alien symbiote suit he easily webs it up and tosses it back to the green goliath as it explodes against his green skin. Unfortunately the explosion causes Hulk to get madder and apparently get bigger. Hulk stalks up to Spidey leans down to look at him and exhorts a roar that is so powerful it causes Spidey to rip off his mask revealing his emo haircut and forcing him to moonwalk his way out of the ring in fear. Venom hits Spidey with a ringside Chair leaping into the ring from out of nowhere. Hulk just grins as he grabs Venom by his tongue ripping it out revealing Eddie Brock's (Topher Grace) head for a moment allowing the Hulk to snap his neck like a twig. Sandman (Thomas Hayden Church) and Harry Osborn (James Franco), in goblin gear, try to flank the mighty green one. The Hulk slaps his hands together creating a soundwave bursting Osborn's head into tiny fragments and causing Sandman's ability to re-form almost impossible. "Hulk Smash Bug!"




Winner: The Hulk


5. Mask of Zorro (1998) Vs. 12. Batman Forever













It is well known by Batman fans that Zorro was a hero to the young Bruce Wayne. I have also seen many origin stories of the Bat that have placed the fated Wayne family in front of a theatre playing a Zorro film. I really enjoyed Zorro (Antonio Banderas) and it's excellent cast. Batman however was starting to wane by the third film and of course those damn batnipples, an idiotic Riddler and that really goofy Two-Face make for a wholly silly film. With Zorro's fancy footwork and his girlfriend Elena's (Catherine Zeta-Jones) strapping bod and fencing moves, they make an interesting matchup against the Caped Crusader (Val Kilmer) and his ill-mannered side-kick Robin (Chris O'Donnell). Robin elicits a Holy Swash---before he can finish Elena jabs her sword through his mouth to the back of his head. Zorro does a fancy little flip as he throws a dagger into the one clean eye of Harvey Two-Face (Tommy Lee Jones). The Riddler, with his Riddle cane and spandex, jumps from the shadows, "Riddle Me this, Riddle me that --" Zorro stabs the Riddler through the heart, Zorro proclaims, I am going to kick the ass of the big black bat!" He smiles as Batman prepares for battle--Zorro leaps the other way toward the illustrious Batmobile. Batman cries out, "Not the car, Chicks dig the car!" But it is too late Zorro has keyed a giant Z on the side of the Batmobile. Batman hangs his head in shame.

Winner: Mask of Zorro


4. Conan the Barbarian Vs. 13. X-Men: The Last Stand











Conan the Barbarian (Arnold Schwarzenegger) versus the entire X-Men clan. This looks to be a daunting task. There is the out of control Jean Gray with her mental powers that could turn a man into dust with just a thought. Rogue with her succubus touch, Storm the ability to create weather disasters that could level mountains. There is also the Professor and his mental ability. The matchup between Conan and Wolverine could be bloody and costly to the Barbarian. Bobby the Iceman could put the deep freeze on Conan's battle plans. There are also newbies like Shadowcat, Beast and Angel that could give the beefcake trouble. This seems impossible yes but this is not the X-Men we once knew, there is an advantage for Conan. Brett Ratner is directing this band of merry mutants and he is not skilled enough to help them through the battle. Conan twirls his sword over his head and slices Logan in half. It'll take at least an hour for him to heal. Long enough for Conan to use his machismo charm on the ladies causing them to turn on Ratner and the rest of the X-Men, oops. Too bad they killed Cyclops in the beginning of the film perhaps he could have convinced the ladies not to turn, oh well. By the time Logan has reformed his buddies are all dead and the ladies of the X-Men have packed off to his homeland in Cimmeria. Sorry, Bub.



Winner: Conan


6. Hellboy Vs. 11. 30 Days of Night

BPRD's greatest Paranormal investigator versus some crazy bloodsucking Vampires. The comic for 30 Days of Night is a terrifying story about vampires let loose to feed night and day with no letup. The film had mixed reviews as did Hellboy, but even though the first film was so-so at the box office the cult following of Hellboy was so strong that they were able to bring Del Torro back for a second film coming out later this year. Hellboy (Ron Perlman) gets a little help from his pyro girlfriend Liz Sherman (Selma Blair) to face off against Marlowe (Danny Huston) and his vampire horde. Hellboy wastes no time as he smacks Marlowe with the "Right Hand of Doom". Marlowe smiles and wipes the blood from his face revealing his awful scissor fangs. Meanwhile Liz is lighting up the Vampires with her firepower, burning them to ashes. Marlowe slashes and bites into Hellboy causing major gashes, luckily for him he heals quickly and he is after a all, a demon. Hellboy grins at Marlowe as he spits blood and pulls out the "Samaritan," his trusty pistol and shoves it into Marlowe's face. He says, "Hey pal, Suck on this!" With holy water and melted fragments of the True Cross, Hellboy turns Marlowe's head into a pinata.

Winner: Hellboy

3. 300 Vs. 14. Blade: Trinity

Ahh, the mighty Spartans against Blade and his friends the Nightstalkers. This Blade as with almost every comic series began to fall into silly territory. The Spartans with their buff bodies and mad skillz may be pushed into a corner by Blade (Wesley Snipes) and his cronies but once they make it to the hot gates they unleash hell. King Leonidas (Gerard Butler) and his gang use excellent teamwork, also known as the phalanx, to confuse, befuddle and destroy the Nightstalkers and their funny but not very talented leader Haniball King (Ryan Reynolds). Leonidas refuses to strike Abigail Whistler (Jessica Biel) as she raises her bow to fire at the Spartans. Luckily Queen Gorgo (Lena Headey)came along--she walks up behind Whistler's daughter and guts her like a fish. Leonidas smiles and pulls Blade's fangs out and guts him with his sword. "For Sparta!"


Winner: 300


7. Red Sonja Vs. 10. The Legend of Zorro (2005)

When I was a kid I used to watch Red Sonja on TBS every summer. This is also when Brigitte Nielsen was hot and tough. The sequel for Zorro was not so good--very goofy with the son of Zorro and all of that. So Red thought about bringing her lover Lord Kalidor (Arnold Schwartenegger) to the fight but in the end she thought, why, I don't need the help of a man. Zorro (Antonio Banderas) tries to be cute by saying he'll take it easy on her, but as he raises his sword -- Red Sonja swings -- and bloodies her blade with his brain matter as she slices the masked marauder before he can even make his first move. She grins, "Maybe I should have brought Kalidor, or even Prince Tarn, (Ernie Reyes, Jr.) the battle might have lasted longer."

Winner: Red Sonja

2. Batman (1989) Vs. 15. Judge Dredd

Tim Burton's Batman versus Sylvester Stallone's Judge Dredd. It really is a shame that they couldn't make a good adaptation of Dredd from the comics. Rob Schneider's, Fergie, screams out ,"DRRRRREDDD!!" As the Joker (Jack Nicholson) appears with some flowers. Joker says, "Hello Fergie, It's your Uncle Bingo. Time to pay the check." Fergie screams again, "DRREDD!" The Joker wastes no time, he cackles and sprays Fergie in the face with acid from the pretty flowers melting his face instantly. Dredd arrives aiming his weapon at the Joker who laughs hysterically. "Come on, I was just having some fun!" Dredd yells at him, "I am the Law! Put down your weapon and prepare to be judged." The Joker laughs as Dredd fires but he doesn't realize that the acid based flowers are jammed in the massive barrel. Dredd lies dead on the ground. A batarang clunks the Joker on the head knocking him unconcious. Batman (Michael Keaton) arrives, he shakes his head over Dredd's corpse. "Instead of talking, you should have been shooting."

Winner: Batman

Superhero Smackdown Tournament: Strength Round 1

(You can click on the bracket to enlarge)

Let's continue with Superhero Smackdown with the Strength Bracket.

1. Superman: The Movie Vs. 16. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen












When the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen came out I had such high hopes for it's success given how great the graphic novels by Alan Moore were. How wrong I was, not only was it one of the single worst comic-film adaptations ever it was also to be Sean Connery's last film before retirement. Superman (Christopher Reeve), after having to chase down and destroy two rockets sent by Lex Luthor to destroy California, is now tasked to best the older generation's superheroes. Supes wastes no time as he swoops down and splits Captain Nemo's (Naseeruddin Shah) sub in half, dumping the angry captain into the drink. He shows Dorian Gray (Stuart Townsend) his portrait shriveling the immortal into dust. He rips out Mina Harker's (Peta Wilson) fangs and hurls the vampire into the sun. Tom Sawyer (Shane West) tries to shoot down the man of steel with Quatermain's rifle. Supes just smiles as he uses his super breath to disarm the boy and in the process the force of the wind rips off Sawyer's steely eyebrows. The Man of Steel punches Dr. Jekyll (Jason Flemyng) causing him to transform into Mr. Hyde. Supes battles the bobbleheaded creature with fury decapitating the head from Mr. Hyde's shoulders. Allan Quatermain tries to escape in his automobile--but you can't escape someone faster than a locomotive. Supes crushes the front of the car. Quatermain, because of extreme old age has a heart attack and dies of shock. Which leaves Invisible Man Rodney Skinner (Tony Curran) who should learn from previous invisible people that you can't hide from X-ray vision. Supes cooks Skinner with his heat vision allowing scientists an interesting look at internal combustion.

Winner: Superman

8. The Fantastic Four Vs. 9. V For Vendetta













This could be an interesting match-up. I actually kind of liked the first Fantastic Four, it was goofy and poorly directed but it wasn't terrible. However V For Vendetta was a very good flick not quite on par with the graphic novel but a great film in it's own right. V (Hugo Weaving) and Evie Hammond (Natalie Portman) arrive at the Subway station with roses and a homemade fertilizer bomb ready to blow up the Baxter Building. I guess they think the Four are government stooges or something. Anyway the bomb goes off taking out Mr. Fantastic, Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd) and Sue Storm (Jessica Alba). V goes on the attack against The Thing, Benjamin Grimm (Michael Chiklis) chipping away at his rocky exterior with his throwing knives. The Thing in all of his anger punches V as he flies through the air smashing him against a neighboring building. The Human Torch (Chris Evans) hurls fireballs at Evie as she barely evades the flame and finds herself cornered. She smiles up at the Human Torch appealing to Johnny's more basic instincts. He drops his guard for a moment which is long enough for her to unleash the fire hydrant extinguishing Johnny's flame. Meanwhile... V battles The Thing to a standstill until Dr. Doom (Julian McMahon) arrives shooting lightning bolts from his fingertips. V, being the ultimate munitions specialist, has prepared for his arrival by tossing a homemade liquid nitrogen bomb destroying Doctor Doom and knocking Ben unconcious. Yes there were a lot of bombs but what do you expect from an self avowed anarchist.

Winner: V For Vendetta


5. X-Men Vs. 12. Superman 4: The Quest For Peace





















Ahh, so we finaly get to the first team that can possibly beat the Man of Steel (Christopher Reeve). After being bloody and bruised by the permtastic Nuclear Man (Mark Pillow) on the moon he now has to contend with Professor Xavier (Patrick Stewart) and his team of mutants. Cyclops (James Marsden) goes toe to toe with Supes in the battle of Heat Vision. Cyclops power definitely packs a wallop on Superman but it isn't enough as Supes get's close enough to flick Scott Summers with his pinky finger catapulting him back into a wall. Thankfully Professor X uses his mind powers to stop Scott from being squished to death. Jean Gray (Famke Janssen) uses her mind powers to manipulate the Man of Steel to continue in his Quest for Peace by ridding the world of Nuclear Weapons. He flies off to do his do goody-good service to mankind. Just when they thought they had it all wrapped up Jean discovers the crazy Nuclear Man headed toward her at lightning speed. He couldn't have Lacy (Mariel Hemingway) so now this horny genetic defect of Supes has set his sights on Jean. Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) ain't pleased by this and decides to aire his grievences with this jackoff in tights. They trade blows Wolvie and his adamantium claws versus Nuclear Man and his girlie fingernails. Storm (Halle Berry) whips up a tornado to distract the Nuclear Man as Jean levitates Rogue (Anna Paquin) through the storm to steal Nuc's powers. She touches him and he falls to the ground dead.


Winner: X-Men


4. Dick Tracy (1990) Vs. 13. Men in Black II














This is kind of a strange match-up. Cop and Colorful gangsters versus Cops and Colorful aliens. Dick Tracy had all sorts of problems but it has no equal when it comes to style and the look of the film. So even though the boys of Men in Black have all the best toys they unfortunately do not have the better sequel. Laura Flynn Boyle's anorexic bug baddie sure as hell didn't help. In a rare showing of camaraderie Tracy (Warren Beatty) enlists the help of a couple of goons he's put in the clink: Mumbles (Dustin Hoffman), Flattop (William Forsythe), Big Boy Caprice (Al Pacino) and the Blank (Madonna) to square off against K (Tommy Lee Jones) and J (Will Smith) and their leader Zed (Rip Torn). The Men in Black try to Flashy thing Tracy but his coat is such a bright yellow that it deflects back against them--luckily they were smart enough to wear their RayBans but their flashy things are broken. Big Boy's constant appetite for walnuts have served him well as he hears the crunch of the Worm Guys attempting to sneak up on him from behind. He leaps around shouting Ha! and scaring the living bejesus out of them, they scamper away in fear. Mumbles confuses Zed with an incoherent recitation of Henry the V. Tracy takes advantage uppercutting Zed into the air knocking him unconscious. Flattop cackles as he opens fire on K and J. The Blank joins in with a barrage of her own filling J full of holes. Tracy jacks up his sleeves, only one left. He clamps the cuffs on a dazed and confused K and throws his ass in the slammer. Tracy does not recognize their authority as a top secret government organization. Or at least he's revoking their license after that terrible second film.



Winner: Dick Tracy



6. Blade Vs. 11. The Punisher (2004)















Oh, this one is gonna be bloody. Blade (Wesley Snipes) is not a happy guy and if your not a vampire he really doesn't have time to play games with you. The Punisher (Thomas Jane) thinks that Blade is just a thuggish bad guy and he just wants to fill him full of lead. Now if this were the upcoming Lexi Alexander film Punisher: War Zone I think Frank Castle would probably make it out alive. But as much as I enjoyed the Tom Jane Punisher, I liked Blade much better. Frank gets the upper hand and hits Blade (Wesley Snipes) with a barrage of machine gun fire. Unfortunately for Frank, Blade is partly a Vampire. Blade only hesitates for a moment. He leaps back up pulling his sword, "My Turn," he growls. Blade slices and dices leaving the Punisher a bloody mess on the floor.


Winner: Blade



3. Sin City Vs. 14. Barb Wire












This is interesting two dystopian towns and lots of cleavage to go around. This is Steel Harbor's Barb Wire (Pamela Anderson) versus Basin City's band of misfits: Dwight (Clive Owen), Marv (Mickey Rourke), Gail (Rosario Dawson), Hartigan (Bruce Willis), Miho (Devon Aoki), Kevin (Elijah Wood) and Roark Junior aka. The Yellow Bastard (Nick Stahl). I think in order to make this even remotely fair to Boobs McGee we should just tie Miho's sword fighting hand behind her back and have her fight one on one against the Barbed one. Miho goes even one further and puts a blindfold on. Barb is able to use firearms as she tries to cut Miho down. She zigs and zags out of the way of Barb's fire. Miho does a back flip landing on Barb's shoulders. She squeezes as Barb goes down. Miho decides in an ironic twist of fate to use Barb's giant plastic boobs to suffocate her to death.

Winner: Sin City




7. Time Cop Vs. 10. Flash Gordon (1980)














It is amazing how dated Time Cop is now. The date is 2004 and we are so advanced in our time travel technology that we have cops to monitor it's use. Never the less this Van Damme flick is by far one of his best. This is going to be brutal and dirty because no one, and I mean no one can take a punch and walk it off better than Flash Gordon (Sam Jones). Max Walker (Van Damme) dazzles us with an array of kicks and punches to make anyone dizzy. He bloodies his adversary knocking Flash back to the wall. All of a sudden Queen's awesome score starts to build---Walker continues to pummel the former Quarterback with punishing blow after blow. I mean Flash is pretty cheezy. Will Flash be able to survive the onslaught of Van Damme! The score builds further until Freddie Mercury belts out FLASH OH OH! HE'S THE SAVIOR OF THE UNIVERSE!! Dale Arden (Melody Anderson) cheerleads from the side with a GO Flash! Flash grins and uppercuts the Time Cop. Dale tosses him his silver football and he spikes it onto Walker's head knocking him out instantly. Flash is so excited he leaps into the air -- Freeze Frame!

Winner: Flash Gordon


2. Spider-Man Vs. 15. Steel

Oh, Steel why oh why were you played by Shaquille O'Neil? Shaq is big, Shaq is imposing but in the Superhero world Shaq's metal suit is not going to be able to hold up against the webbed wonder Spider-Man (Tobey Maguire). John Henry Irons (Shaquille O'Neil) attempts to swing his mallet and pummel the wall-crawler. Unfortunately for him Spidey is yawning at the slow pace that he'd rather watch Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst) try to act. He realizes that he won't be able to move forward unless he finishes this soon. John Henry's blow is about halfway to Spidey's face when Spidey just unleashes a barrage of fists banging up his suit. He rips off the helmet and flicks John Henry in the nose knocking him out instantly. Spidey sits on his unconscious frame as he watches Mary Jane struggle her way through Romeo and Juliet.

Winner: Spider-Man

Superhero Smackdown - Agility pt. 2

Here is the lower half of the Agility Bracket in round one.

6. Darkman Vs. 11. Superman 3













The classic camp Darkman, aka. Doctor Peyton Westlake (Liam Neeson) versus the bad, Red Kryptonite, Superman (Christopher Reeve) from the third film. There is nothing tougher then an all powerful Superman gone bad--but Darkman uses his cunning intellect and his synthetic skin to impersonate bad guy billionaire Webster's (Robert Vaughn) ditsy psychic nutritionist Lorelei Ambrosia (Pam Stephenson). This, of course, distracts Supes from his peanut flicking long enough for Dr. Westlake to hit him between the eyes with his Kryptonite knuckles. Darkman knows that he can't give this Superhuman alien any room to maneuver as he pummels the dark man of steel into a greasy pulp lying on the bar room floor.

Winner: Darkman

3. The Rocketeer Vs. 14. Supergirl















Cliff Secord's Rocketeer (Bill Campbell) Vs. The Man of Steel's cousin Supergirl (Helen Slater). Now the Rocketeer is just minding his own business trying to rid the world of some nasty Nazi's when this naive woman with Superpowers drops in on the action. Cliff is just annoyed he's just trying to save his girl Jenny (Jennifer Connelly) and this silly chick with red spandex comes flying along claiming to help but causing Cliff to drop Jenny. Luckily for him his scientist buddy Peevy (Alan Arkin) got his hands on the Omegahedron from that ditzy witch played by Faye Dunaway. Cliff books it just in time to save Jenny and deftly activates the Omegahedron as Peevy chants the ritual sending the pretty Supergirl into the Phantom Zone.

Winner: The Rocketeer

7. Daredevil Vs. 10. Swamp Thing













The blind Vigilante Matt Murdock AKA. Daredevil (Ben Affleck) doesn't like the smell of Dr. Aleck Holland (Ray Wise) AKA. The Swamp Thing (Dick Durock). The Swamp Thing while aided by the very pretty Adrienne Barbeau attempts to fling parts of his swampy mass at DD in an attempt to slow him down. Writer/Director Mark Steven Johnson's terrible Daredevil script is struggling against the cheesy prosthetics on Swamp Thing's face. Luckily the very hot and kick ass Elektra (Jennifer Garner) comes to save her blind boyfriend's bacon by taking out Barbeau and freeing DD from his slimy prison long enough for Daredevil to whip the Swamp Thing into a Peat Bog. Let's face it as bad as Daredevil is this first incarnation of the Swamp Thing was much worse.

Winner: Daredevil

2. Superman II Vs. 15. AVP Alien Vs. Predator














Superman (Christopher Reeve) has fought both Predator and Alien in the comic books but I think many fans would love to see him rock out fighting both of these creatures on the big screen. Superman just took out three of the toughest villains in the galaxy in General Zod (Terrence Stamp), Ursa (Sarah Douglas) and Non (Jack O'Halloran). But he's ready for more as he cracks his knuckles preparing for the tag team. Supes get's really angry when the Alien spits acid on his big S creating a hole in his uniform. He tosses the Alien up into space and explodes his ass in the atmosphere with his heat vision. The Predator uses his invisibility to shield himself from the Man of Steel but Supes has that pesky X-Ray vision and punches a hole right through his alien adversary. It's gonna take more than a crappy tie-in like AVP to defeat the Man of Steel when he's at the top of his game.

Winner: Superman II

Stay tuned in the next couple of days we will be showing you what happens in the next three brackets. We have Strength, Intellect and Endurance left to go in this first round.

Superhero Smackdown Tournament

Who loves Super Heroes on the big screen? It's been a great thrill to see all of my childhood comic heroes being turned into celluloid. Now we here at the Bucket have been taking notice of the volume of Super Hero films coming out between now and December. You've got Iron Man, Hellboy 2: The Golden Army, The Dark Knight, The Incredible Hulk, Wanted, The Punisher: War Zone, The Spirit and you might even be able to add Hancock even though it wasn't a comic book, but it was obviously inspired by one. So we thought this would be a good time to have a Battle Royale between 62 Comic book films, NCAA Tourney style, winner take all!(Just click on the bracket to make it bigger)

Enjoy!

So let's start with the first bracket called Agility: This is the first half of the bracket.

1. Spider-Man 2 VS 16. Catwoman








Pitof's Catwoman versus Sam Raimi's first sequel to Spider-Man. It is obvious that this kitty has no claws. As Spidey kicked Doc Oc's ass on the subway car so too would he, as a gentlemen, whip this Catwoman wannabe into a web of shame that she will never ever ever recover from. Let's face it when your arch villain is a cosmetic mogul who resembles Sharon Stone it's kind of hard to take you seriously as a super hero.

Winner: Spider-Man 2


8. Constantine VS 9. Spawn
This is gonna be a battle for the ages the Hellspawn of Satan vs. the demon hunter John Constantine. The demon hunter has his work cut out for him as bad actor Keanu Reeves tries to talk his way out of having to go toe to toe with Todd McFarlane's dark creation Spawn. Spawn hits first with a nasty right while John Leguizamo's Clown cackles in the background. Burned and bruised John Constantine dusts himself off cracks a smile and hits Spawn with the Dragon's Breath Flame Thrower and finishes him off with a couple of blasts from his Holy Cross Shotgun. Constantine took a major hit but it wasn't enough--Spawn hit him like a PG-13 movie while Constantine bloodied his ass in true Rated R style. As John would say, "When a half-breed breaks the rules, I deport their sorry ass straight back to hell."

Winner: John Constantine

5. The Crow VS. 12. Howard the Duck
This would appear to be a quick and painless drubbing that Brandon Lee's Crow would inflict on George Lucas' very silly Howard the Duck---but not all is as it seems. Yes Howard the Duck is a bad movie but it is one of those that is so bad that it's good. The Crow, while a fun and enjoyable flick it just doesn't hold a candle to the stupid yet hilarious Ducky and his crew of misfits including Leah Thompson, Tim Robbins and Jeffrey Jones. So---Eric Draven returns to life as the Crow and finds he's got a hankering for some roast duck. He hits Howard with everything he's got--Howard wipes the blood from his bill and says, "My Turn birdbrain." The Duck humiliates the undead rocker with a barrage of Quack Fu attacks that frankly embarrases poor Eric so badly that he just has to walk away in shame. (This win is for you Cody and Jeff L.)

Winner: Howard the Duck

4. Superman Returns 13. Mystery Men

Brandon Routh's Superman has quite a task ahead of him. He has to take out not one but 7 superheroes before he can claim victory. The good news is that these goofball screw up heroes can't hold a candle to the man of steel. Mr. Furious(Ben Stiller) screams at Supes as he moves into attack position, but he waits too long. The Man of Steel crushes his ferociously large head with his bare hands. The Shoveler (William H. Macy) hits Supes from behind with his Shovel but the vibrations from the force of the blow shatters Mr. Shovel into a thousand pieces. The Spleen (Paul Reubens) tries to knock out Superman with his deathly and noxious flatulence but old blue boy is just too quick as he uses his super breath to force the deadly fumes back toward the Spleen, The Sphinx (Wes Studi) and the Invisible Boy (Kel Mitchell) killing them instantly. Supes melts the Blue Raja's (Hank Azaria) throwing forks with heat vision and snaps his neck with his thumb and forefinger. Being the Gentleman that he is--Supes gives a wink to the Bowler (Jeneane Garafalo) exploding her magic bowling ball with a heat blast and a wry smile.

Winner: Superman Returns

MOVIE REVIEW: INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

Sure, I haven’t written a column for a year or so. But when Indiana Jones returns to the screen, Captain Mike must return to Troy's Bucket!

So, is it as good as the old ones? No. Has George Lucas crapped on our childhood fantasies like he did with the Star Wars prequels? No, and I think we can all thank Señor Spielbergo for keeping Lucas’ worse impulses in check. “Indiana Jones and the Predictably Stilted Title” is a solid addition to the franchise. It ain’t perfect, though.

MILD SPOILERS AHEAD.

The good stuff:

The movie starts off great, as any Indiana Jones movie should. Such a delight to see Spielberg return to the sunny widescreen images of his younger, funner days! When Indy finds himself stuck in a desert town populated by mannequins one minute away from a nuclear meltdown, you are reminded instantly that you are in the hands of the maestro of Suburbia on the Edge of the Twilight Zone. Lucas sets up a big shiny ball of “American Graffiti” 1950s nostalgia, and then Spielberg spikes it with an H-bomb. Great stuff! And if seeing that giant warehouse full of mysterious crates doesn’t warm the cockles of your fanboy heart, nothing will.

Harrison Ford is terrific, of course. It’s been a long time since he’s been in a good movie. And sure, at 65 he and his stunt doubles can’t quite pull off the amazing action scenes like they could back in the 80s. But it’s still Indy, and we still love him and his crooked grin.


Cate Blanchett has a ball with her role as an evil psychic Rusky Irina Spalko. Expertly wielding a rapier and even sharper icy blue contact lenses, she’s the most dashing Indy villain thus far, if not the scariest. That title unquestionably goes to Amrish Puri’s unholy man from “Temple of Doom.” To this day, my nightmares are haunted by images of Mola Ram ripping people’s hearts out. That Mayan priest from “Apocalypto” has nothing on Puri’s stare, chant and cackle. He scares me. Irina doesn’t really scare me, but I wouldn’t want to piss her off.


The unfortunately named Shia LeBoeuf (seriously, do his parents hate him?) is better than I had expected. I was a bit apprehensive about Indy having a son, ahem, young adventurous sidekick to do some of the swashbuckling that Harrison Ford just can’t do anymore, but LeBoeuf more or less carries it off. He’s a good actor who obviously had a fantastic time playing this role (who wouldn’t?). Many of the best scenes are of Mutt and Indy verbally sparring in a way that never quite gets corny. If Lucas and Spielberg go on to give him is own franchise of Mutt Williams adventures, I wouldn’t object. He’s way more appealing than, say, Hayden Christensen, although I doubt that he’d ever have become an action hero in the pre-CGI era. He’s more Tom Hanks-ish than… well… Harrison Ford-ish.

The not-so-good stuff:

The other supporting roles have little of the resonance of their 1980s predecessors. When Karen Allen appears as Marion Ravenwood, Indy and the audience beam with affection. Too bad screenwriter David Koepp doesn’t give her much to do. She just kinda shows up, flashes that big smile and drives an amphibious vehicle while the boys do all the fighting. What happened to the Marion who could drink a Sherpa under the table, slug Indy in the jaw, and blast away pesky Nazis with a machine gun? If any character in Crystal Skull has the right to punch (or shoot) evil Irina in the face, it’s Marion. No such luck for her, or us. Ray Winstone’s character could have been completely written out of the movie with no major loss. John Hurt gets to do little more than babble incoherently. Where are Sallah and even Short Round when you need them?


All three of the previous Indy films have at least two brilliantly staged action sequences that linger long in the moviegoer’s imagination. You won’t find one here. Oh, they try. The motorcycle chase through 1950s America is fun, but I kept waiting for Marty McFly to ride by on his makeshift skateboard. Then there’s that big jungle vehicle chase. It’s pretty cool, but nowhere near as thrilling as the desert chase from Raiders, the mineshaft roller coaster ride from Temple of Doom, or the tank rescue from Last Crusade. A lot of the blame for that can be attributed to the schmutzy CGI used to create the jungle. Peter Jackson & Co. did this a lot better in “King Kong.”

And what’s with the toned-down violence? Part of what made the old Indy films so exciting was that they were bloodier and scarier than your typical summer popcorn flick. People got shot, impaled, burned, run over, chopped up, blown up, crushed, whipped, melted, ritualistically eviscerated, sacrificed into pits of lava, and completely decomposed in about 10 seconds flat… stuff to blow the mind of your typical 11-year-old. So bloodless is Crystal Skull that it probably could have gotten through with a PG rating with little complaint from parental watchdog groups. Temple of Doom almost single handedly brought about the PG-13 rating, for God’s sake. Call me a sadist, but I miss the old blood n’ guts.

Let’s face it, folks. The Crystal Skull just ain’t as cool a relic as the Ark of the Covenant or the Holy Grail. The Lost Ark unleashed malevolent spirts and melted Nazis. Pick the real Holy Grail and you get you eternal life. Pick the false one, you rot. Choose wisely. If memory serves, the Crystal Skull is a sort of super-duper hard drive that can fry your brain. As a prop, it looks like something you’d find at Spencer's right next to the lava lamps and black light posters. Still it’s not as lame as the Sankara Stones, which I think made fertilizer or something.

The movie doesn’t really make good on Irina’s psychic powers. In point of fact, the Soviets (and Americans) did train psychic soldiers. The filmmakers could have had a lot more fun with this concept. Sadly, it remains an underutilized idea that could have been really cool, particularly with Cate Blanchett playing the role.

And don’t get me started on those goddamn prairie dogs…

The final verdict:

It’s still a good movie to go see on a summer afternoon. Unlike the Star Wars prequels, it feels like a genuine entry into the Indiana Jones series rather than just a massive fundraiser for Lucasfilm Ltd. and its affiliates (not that it isn’t that, though). The story is good enough, the actors are a pleasure to watch, and its energetic fun. It’s an Indiana Jones movie. And that’s a good thing.

See you next year.

3.5 Buckets